My friend told me her wedding date and I felt immediate dread

When an old school friend, Charlotte*, asked me to be her bridesmaid just under two years ago, a cocktail of emotions bubbled up inside of me.

I was flattered, of course, and excited too. But I was also immediately filled with dread.

Autumn is Charlotte’s favourite season, so she’d settled on bonfire night, November 5, 2023 for her nuptials. But for me, that was a problem.

Because, every single year, around the beginning of October, my mood shifts like clockwork.

I start to feel trapped by the shorter, darker days and get irritable and panicky if I don’t get outside in the daylight. At the same time, I also feel lethargic, demotivated and like I want to hibernate.

It’s all because of a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is estimated to affect roughly one in 20 people in the UK.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I’ve suffered with SAD since my teens. It started with me struggling to wake up in the morning during the winter months to go to school.

Then, as I got older, I started to dread going to parties with my friends. 

All I wanted to do was stay in bed.

But it was during my first few months of university where my symptoms got noticeably bad.

Due to my existing social anxiety, I’d decided to live in a one-bedroom studio flat close to the beach and away from the hustle and bustle of student life. However, as the nights grew darker, I began to completely isolate myself in my flat. 

As you can imagine, it was an incredibly lonely three years where I felt like I had something wrong with me, and the problems only continued after graduation.

Especially when I met my boyfriend, Ryan*, in 2022. Although he has always been aware of my lower moods during the two previous winters we’d been together, it was only after moving in together last year that he witnessed the full extent of my struggle.

With winter approaching, I gradually became very withdrawn, difficult to communicate with and less sexually intimate with him.

Ryan described it as ‘someone literally turning the lights down on your daily life’. The distance we both ended up feeling in the relationship even led to us to start couples therapy.

But naturally, things started improving in the spring and summer.

For years, I thought I was alone in feeling this way, but then I learned that these feelings are associated with SAD. It was only when my boyfriend pointed out the dramatic shifts in my mood when we lived together, at the age of 22 years old, when I realised that what I’d been experiencing is SAD.

After deep diving into research of signs and symptoms, it felt validating to have a name for what I’d been experiencing for years. This self-awareness gave me permission to treat myself a little bit kinder during the winter months, and not beat myself up for how the condition impacts my everyday life.

So, despite accepting Charlotte’s bridesmaid proposal in a heartbeat in September 2022, the thought of being one at my worst time of year was enough to set me off.

But it wasn’t just the depression I was worried about. My other symptoms consist of a persistent low mood, a loss of pleasure in everyday activities, irritability, and feelings of despair.

The last thing I wanted to do was cause Charlotte any additional stress or – worse – ruin her day by being a seemingly absentee bridesmaid. Regrettably, though, I didn’t open up to Charlotte about my anxiety or experience of SAD. In hindsight, I wish I did as she would’ve undoubtedly understood.

I just tried to embrace the excitement as much as I could in the months leading up to the big day. And as the days grew shorter, and the wedding grew closer, I mentally prepared myself through self-care practices like yoga and journaling.

Feeling more in control of my emotions meant I could enjoy the lead-up activities, like the hen do and bridesmaid fittings, and not feel as anxious all the time. 

Finally, November 5 arrived and I managed better than I thought I would. I took the day hour-by-hour, and made a conscious effort to distract myself from symptoms by making myself busy with additional bridesmaid duties – like making sure her flower girl was ready and the photographer was looked after.

However, I felt so relieved once the day was over, and the pressure was off. The energy I had to muster up to perform my bridesmaid duties and support my friend on the day was exhausting – but I did it.

Since then though, I’ve become a lot more assertive and less of a ‘people-pleaser’ in my friendships because I’ve realised that forcing myself to do things when I don’t feel able to is simply not worth the stress.

Now, if I can avoid committing to plans, or unnecessary pressure during these darker months, I will.

Like when my friendship group recently suggested going on a girls trip to Bath in December – I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse than a city break in winter – so I politely declined and explained why. Luckily my friends are incredibly understanding and agreed to move the trip to the summer instead.

Although I feel guilty for kicking up a fuss, I feel better for asserting my needs and doing what’s best for me. I hope to keep getting better at setting boundaries like this to prevent SAD from taking over my life completely.

Part of that change has meant I’ve temporarily moved back into my family home without my boyfriend, started therapy through the NHS to help manage my symptoms, taken vitamin D daily, and created a morning routine where I get outside for at least 10 minutes.  

All this helps me feel in control and keeps the grey cloud that usually hovers over my head this time of year at bay.  

Now, when the sun sets at 5pm and that familiar pang of depression hits, I’ll take a deep breath and reassure myself that I am making progress. 

‘I can always embrace daylight tomorrow,’ I’ll tell myself. Because sometimes you really do have to take things one day at a time.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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