Watch any rom-com and you’ll see that ‘just sex’ rarely stays that way — it’s inevitable someone will eventually catch feelings.
This week, we hear from a reader whose whirlwind affair with a younger man at work began as a hit of excitement in her otherwise ‘conventional’ life.
Alongside the fact she’s married, the age gap is another barrier to them being any more than a fling. But now her toyboy is interested in a meaningful relationship with someone his own age, the woman is reluctant to let go.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a man struggling with romantic feelings for his stepdaughter.
The problem…
I’ve worked for the same company since I left school more than 30 years ago and in that time, I’ve married, moved house twice and brought up three children. My husband and I have nice holidays, lots of shared interests, and celebrated our silver wedding anniversary last year.
Basically, I’ve had a really conventional life with nothing to complain about.
So why am I risking everything by having a fling with a colleague, 23 years my junior, who clearly wants nothing from the relationship except sex?
What started as a silly bit of flirting has blossomed into something more, and we’ve been meeting up in secret since the end of last summer. I think about him all the time and wish I was young and pretty like I used to be. He has an amazing body, knows every button to press, and sex with him is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
However, recently he’s admitted that he’s met a girl of his own age who he really likes, which tells me our relationship is on borrowed time. I feel sick when I think of losing him, but I know that sooner or later, it will happen.
I wish I had the courage to walk away and go back to the life I had before, but I just can’t seem to do it.
The advice…
Having an affair with this young guy sounds like the most exciting thing that’s happened to you in years, but you don’t need me to tell you that you’re putting your whole way of life at risk.
If you feel your marriage has run its course, be brave enough to start again as a single woman, so you can have all the flings you want without cheating. Alternatively, if you value what you have with your husband, you need to end things with your lover right now.
You and your partner have been together for a long time and maybe you’ve both let sex get stale. But that’s as much your responsibility as it is his, so if you want to save your marriage, try improving your love life at home; after all, you know what turns you on. True, you’ll never experience the wild excitement that comes with an illicit affair, but you might be able to breathe new life into something that’s perhaps more precious than you realise.
You already know you have no future with your toyboy, so you can easily end the relationship by telling him you need to focus on mending things at home. Frankly, if he’s involved with someone else, he’ll probably be glad you’ve saved him a tricky job.
Don’t underestimate the value of the life you enjoy with your husband. You’ve taken it for granted, but trust me, there are many people out there who’d love the stability and security you’re risking.
Think hard about the life you have, and ask yourself what things would be like on your own. Be sure that’s what you want, before you go for it.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.