If you’re currently suffering through a painful hangover, filled with shame over what you did or didn’t do to a colleague or two, let us put your mind at ease by saying that anything you did will never be as sordid as what goes on at Le Boudoir.
The member’s only sex club, which can be found in a secret location in east London, hosts several Christmas parties every year that will put your interoffice shenanigans to shame.
Instead of an innocent kiss under the mistletoe with Gavin*, the cute guy you’ve been eyeing up in the tech department, imagine being tied up in a dungeon as he spanks you with a paddle.
Meanwhile, Janine* and Ben* from HR are getting freaky with a vibrator in front of your boss, and Ellis* from the post room has stuck his penis inside a glory hole, waiting for a willing colleague to sneak by.
These are all possibilities at Le Boudoir, which will open its doors for the season’s first festive party tonight – ‘Synful Christmas’ – followed by two more Saturdays of seasonal sinfulness, on 15 and 22 December.
There’s no bar – it’s BYOB, so bring a bottle of your tipple of choice with you.
It’s couples and single ladies only on Saturdays (sorry, gents) and tickets cost £20.00 for ladies, £70.00 for couples. You’ll need to register on the website, with a nice photo and get approved before you get your ticket.
Also, if you’re lacking for New Year’s Eve plans or want to do something a little different this year, Le Boudoir is hosting a big party then, too, and according to manager David, it’s ‘wall to wall sex after Big Ben tolls’.
But tickets are almost sold out – with a description like that, we’re not surprised – so if you want to welcome the new year with a bang, you better get in there quick (pun intended).
Want to know what a sex club Christmas party is really like?
Check back in a few weeks, as we’re going along to investigate…
*None of these are real people in the Metro.co.uk office. Hopefully.
Drinking alcohol before smoking weed isn’t a good idea.
The saying ‘beer than bong, you’re in the wrong; bong then beer, you’re in the clear’ might be true, but it’s still easy to get the combo wrong.
But you can now buy a wine infused with cannabis, so you never have to weigh up which one to do first.
It won’t get you high, just drunk, but it does taste of weed.
Firebox has started selling the bright green Savingnon Blanc for £20 online today.
(Picture: Firebox)
The medium sweet ‘Winabis’ is bright green and contains cannabis-derived oils designed to mellow you out.
However, it won’t get you stoned, as it only has a strength of 9.5%, and contains less than 0.01% the natural level of the Class B Drug’s psychoactive compound, THC.
(Picture: Firebox)
A spokesperson said: ‘You’ll be met by the taste of medium sweet grapes, juicy peach, and a sophisticated note of cannabis.
‘It’s completely legal and won’t get you high thanks to the lack of THC and CBD – the two naturally occurring chemicals in weed that makes you feel stoned.’
(Picture: Firebox)
The wine, which has hints of peach, is the latest in a string of colourful wines and gins by Spanish producer Gik.
But Winabis is the first time they have infused cannabis into their booze.
A spokesperson added: ‘Winabis wine is the result of our experience as wine growers combined with our interest in innovating with new kind of wines.’
Now there’s yet another reason to wish for a sudden growth spurt; according to BodyLogic MD, tall people have better sex.
Whether you agree or disagree – as someone who is 5ft 5inches tall, I’d like to call this bluff – a recent survey revealed that that out of 1,000 participants, those who were taller than their friends were more satisfied with their sex lives (58.3%), compared to those who were equally tall (54%) or shorter (50.3%).
The research doesn’t discuss whether the quality of boning is down to the height itself making any significant difference in the act, but increased confidence could be a potential factor, as taller people considered themselves more attractive (64.2%) and more desirable to potential partners (64.2%).
Confidence can be a very sexy quality.
Mmm, you’re so tall it turns me on. (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
There’s even an ideal height for both parties – 6ft for men and 5ft 6 inches for women. Unsurprisingly, the desire to grow a few inches was a bigger concern with men – half of the male participants (60%) expressed that they would like to be taller.
They’re not the only ones, some of their partners wish they were a taller, too – 36.2% of the female participants who were in relationships wanted their partner to add a few inches.
Almost one fourth of the male participants would surgically alter their height, if it was possible, using almost a third of their life savings to do so.
To make matters worse, not only are tall people better in bed, hotter and more confident, but they also consider themselves to be more successful at work, have a satisfying salary and are taken more seriously at work.
If you’re short and feeling despondent after reading this, remember that every coin has two sides.
The study also said short people consider themselves funny, too – so that’s always something.
P.S All jokes aside, height can be a distressing issue for many people and it’s important to remember that while not always ideal, you’re great just as you are.
I’m not crying, I’m just cutting onions (Picture: Getty)
Have you ever been chopping onions and ended up looking like you’d just watched The Notebook for the first time? Yup, us too.
Onions have the power to make us cry more than any of our exes ever could, which is pretty annoying given we can’t ghost and block a vegetable.
There are a whole host of methods to avoid the tears when cooking with onions, but have you never just wondered why they’re so sob-inducing in the first place?
We have some answers for you.
Hate to break it to you lady, but you haven’t even started chopping yet (Picture: Getty)
The tears you cry when you’re chopping onions are reflex tears, which are brought about by some sort of external irritant.
You also have basal tears which are around all the time and act as eye lube, and emotional tears which are around when someone calls you a mean name or you see the John Lewis advert.
Reflex tears are released from the lachrymal glands, which receive signals from your brain to do so if your eyes need to be flushed out due to things like dust or smoke.
As you chop your onion, an enzyme is released, which in the air becomes a compound called syn-propanethial-S-oxide.
This is the mix that sets off your lachrymal glands, as your body tries to protect itself from the oncoming chemical ‘attack’.
Apparently you can build up something of a tolerance to syn-propanethial-S-oxide, but there’s no official timescale so you just have to endure the pain of cooking until it lessens.
Warning – if you believe in a man known as Father Christmas, don’t read on as it’ll shatter your belief in the bearded fellow who puts presents under your tree.
Whoever drew Santa Claus with a big jiggly belly, clearly hadn’t been looking close enough under his red jacket. Paul Orchard, as he’s known 11 months out of the year, is actually ripped.
Granted the 58-year-old is a model and the face of the new ad campaign for Lumen – a dating app for those over 50 – but Santa never looked so good.
We’re not the only ones perving on Kris Kringle.
According to a study conducted by Lumen, nearly one fifth of those surveyed (19%) fancy the festive character. Those aged 50 and over liked Santa even more (26%).
What is it about Saint Nicholas that turns us on so? Apparently, his friendly appearance, smile and general good nature is high on the list of reasons.
When it comes to his physicality, 20% of the ladies found the fluffy white beard a turn-on.
But enough about statistics.
You came here for saucy photos of sexy Santa, and we both know it.
(Picture: Lumen)
(Picture: Lumen)
(Picture: Lumen)
The photos are part of an ad campaign to highlight that people over the age of 50 want advertising targeted at them to be fun and attractive.
Thus, sexy 58-year-old Santa from Liverpool.
‘Being Santa has to be one of the most fun parts of my job, and I’m chuffed at how the photographs have turned out,’ Paul said.
‘It shows that getting older doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun.’
Remember, he knows when you’ve been bad or good.
So the question is – do you want to be on his naughty list?
There’s a reason for that – and for why you might experience similar urges when you see a cat, a bunny, or a baby.
It’s a phenomenon called cute aggression, and a new study looks at why it happens.
Katherine Stavropoulos, a psychologist from the University of California, Riverside, analysed the neural activity of 54 participants between the ages of 18 and 40 while they looked at four blocks of 32 photographs divided into categories: cute babies, less cute babies, cute baby animals, and less cute adult animals.
After viewing the photos on a computer screen, participants were asked to rate how much they agreed with a set of statements on a scale of one to ten.
The survey looked at how cute participants found the photographs, and the level of cute aggression they experienced in response.
Participants were more likely to feel cute aggression towards cute baby animals than less cute animals. They also felt more overwhelmed and wanted to take care of the baby animals more.
While the participants were answering the survey, researchers used electrophysiology to measure brain activity.
(Picture: Getty)
Stavropoulos said: ‘There was an especially strong correlation between ratings of cute aggression experienced toward cute animals and the reward response in the brain toward cute animals.
‘This is an exciting finding, as it confirms our original hypothesis that the reward system is involved in people’s experiences of cute aggression.
‘Essentially, for people who tend to experience the feeling of “not being able to take how cute something is”, cute aggression happens.
‘Our study seems to underscore the idea that cute aggression is the brain’s way of “bringing us back down” by mediating our feelings of being overwhelmed.’
So essentially, if something is so cute that we can’t handle it, our brain gives us an urge to squeeze it or squish it to combat their cuteness and calm down to a point that we can carry on with our lives.
‘For example, if you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a baby is — so much so that you simply can’t take care of it – that baby is going to starve,’ Stavropoulos said.
‘Cute aggression may serve as a tempering mechanism that allows us to function and actually take care of something we might first perceive as overwhelmingly cute.’
In short: cute aggression is a thing, it’s normal, and it’s actually healthy. Don’t feel weird about wanting to squeeze that puppy.
In fact, the Finnish use of saunas dates back more than 2000 years. Saunas are an important part of life; a social occasion among families, friends and the community.
Finland has over 3 million saunas, and there are more saunas than cars in the capital, Helsinki. You’ll find one at the airport, in the Parliament building and in nearly every apartment across the city.
Public saunas have always been popular, but as more and more apartments have saunas built in, the need to visit a public sauna diminished and many closed.
However, in recent years, public sauna culture has returned and new saunas are popping up all over the city – some traditional, some quirky and some super swanky.
So I decided to check out Helsinki’s saunas, both new and old, and see what the hype is all about. Number one on my list was Löyly.
(Picture: Helsinki Marketing – Loyly – Pekka Keranen)
Löyly opened in 2016 and is a bar, restaurant and sauna all in one.
Located on the waterfront, with a huge terrace, it has become the go-to place on a sunny afternoon, whether you sauna or not.
The definition of the word Löyly is ‘the steam that evaporates from the rocks when you throw water over them’. Yep – the Finns have a word for that!
Its striking eco-design uses materials from responsibly managed forests, and the electricity used is produced by solar and wind power.
Inside, everything has been thoughtfully considered with cosy log fires overlooking stunning sea views and a great drinks menu.
There are three saunas – a traditional smoke sauna, a once-heated sauna and a continuously heated sauna – all of which are heated with wood.
The smoke sauna gives off the most incredible aroma and was my favourite of the three. However, the other two each have a full glass wall with beautiful views of the water.
(Picture: Helsinki Marketing – Loyly – Pekka Keranen)
Once you’ve heated up in the sauna, the brave head out for a dip in the Baltic and a quick swim.
As someone who doesn’t love the cold, I was expecting to jump in and get straight out again. But after the heat of the sauna, I was able to stay in the sea for at least 20 enjoyable minutes! (Caveat, this was in summer!)
I got chatting to some locals, who said that growing up, it was a common Saturday night routine for the family to have a sauna before dinner.
The health benefits of saunas are said to include improved circulation, reduced stress levels (I can certainly agree with this one), improvement of cardiovascular health, and they have also been known to improve asthma and many skin conditions.
The Finns I spoke to all agreed with this, and many attributed regular sauna use to never getting colds, youthful looking skin and general mental wellbeing.
(Picture: Helsinki Marketing – Loyly – Pekka Keranen)
One said her grandmother, who lives in the north of Finland in Kuusamo, still took a sauna every day at the age of 92.
That includes a swim in the lake afterwards, even in the middle of winter; pretty amazing when you consider temperatures in this part of Finland can reach as low as -14.
They also felt that having saunas from a young age gave them a healthy view of the female body, having seen naked grandmothers, aunties and mothers relaxing in the sauna.
It is traditional for public saunas to be separated by male and female, in which case many people go naked.
However, Löyly also offers mixed saunas (with swimwear), meaning groups of friends go along, business meetings are conducted and couples can enjoy the sauna together. A sauna at Löyly costs £16.85 (19€) per person or £266.10 (300€) for a private sauna.
This is exactly as it sounds – a sauna in the sky. Essentially the Helsinki version of the London Eye, but one of the pods has been transformed into a sauna!
This is a great experience for a special occasion.
Our morning began with a pre-sauna hot tub overlooking the harbour before we walkie-talked the wheel controller to let him know that we wanted to jump aboard.
He then stopped the wheel, and our sky sauna began.
We still had the walkie-talkie, so if things got too hot, we could ask to be let out – but we managed a full three turns of the wheel before hopping out for a cold shower and back in again.
Inside one of the Sky Sauna pods (Picture: Hayley Lewis @alovelyplanet)
It was definitely an experience I won’t forget – the views from the wheel are beautiful and include the stunning Uspenski and Helsinki Cathedrals, Market Square, the old Market Hall, and the Baltic Sea.
Sky Sauna costs £213 (240€) per hour for up to four people.
As well as the newer saunas, we were also keen to try out a more traditional option.
A short bus ride out of the city centre,and we arrived at Kaurilan Sauna.
Surrounded by green woodland, Kaurilan Sauna is an authentic 19th-century sauna building, which was originally located in Tuusula and was transported to Helsinki in 1995 by owner Saara Lehtonen.
Initially, it was used by Saara and her family, but in 2009 she decided to share this special place with the public.
The rustic charm of the dining area at Kaurilan Sauna (Picture: Hayley Lewis @alovelyplanet)
It feels like a much more traditional sauna experience at Kaurilan.
The log cabin is cosy, with beautiful homemade linen furnishings. There are no electric lights, so the sauna is lit just by candlelight.
Saara also makes gorgeous soaps, deo-creams and beauty products using natural ingredients that can be bought at Kaurilan and across Finland.
Kaurilan Sauna costs £14.20 (16€) per person. You can hire the sauna from £159.70 (180€).
Each sauna offered a completely different experience, but I came away with a new respect and understanding for Finns and for saunas.
I don’t think you fully experience the importance of sauna until you have one in Finland.
In fact, sauna is the only Finnish word that is used in other languages!
Other things to do in Helsinki:
Helsinki is filled with different food and drink options.
For drinks, head to the Helsinki Distilling Company for excellent cocktails and a distillery tour to see how their gin and whiskey is made. Tours cost £13.30 (15€) per person.
Enjoy the best of Helsinki’s restaurant scene with a dinner at Ragu, located in a beautiful historical building near Esplanadi Park.
Make sure you order the surprise menu – five courses of Italian-inspired cuisine using seasonal Finnish ingredients – which costs £50.50 (57€). You can also order wines to match for £43.50 (49€).
Island hop around Helsinki’s many islands, including beautiful Lonna Island, is essential. An island-hopping ticket is £7 (8€) for adults.
This open-air museum contains 87 buildings moved to the island from different locations around Finland, showcasing the history and life of Finns during the last four centuries.
Buildings include a sauna, cottages, farmsteads and manors and boathouses. Entry to Seurasaari museum island is free.
Where to stay in Helsinki and how to get there:
The funky Hotel F6 has rooms from £162 (180€) per night, including breakfast.
Fly to Helsinki from London Heathrow with Finn Air from £78 return.
Everyone talks about how to drink whisky – on the rocks, neat or diluted with water – but few people know that the smell of a whisky is just as important as the taste.
I was officially appointed apprentice malt master of The Balvenie in August this year, which, at 26, I think makes me one of the youngest apprentice malt masters in the world.
Apprentice malt master sounds a bit like I am a Padawan straight out of a Star Wars movie, and some of my friends still can’t believe this is even a real job.
As the name suggests, I work closely with our malt master David Stewart MBE, who has been with our company for 56 years and is the longest serving malt master in the industry.
Kelsey in the tasting room at William Grant HQ (Photo: Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert)
Our role is to ensure the excellence and consistency of the liquid that goes into each bottle we make, while also developing trends and whisky innovations of the future. To this day, the craftsmen and women at our distillery in Dufftown, Scotland, still maintain the five rare crafts used in whisky making.
We’re the only distillery growing its own barley, using traditional floor maltings and keeping both coppersmiths and coopers on site – making The Balvenie the most handcrafted of single malts.
Part of mine and David’s role is making sure these age-old traditions are being respected and ensuring this incredible work makes its way to the bottle and ultimately into someone’s glass.
Does my job mean I get to drink whisky all day long? Well, contrary to what most of my friends think, this is not entirely true.
We do taste the whisky but I never gets tipsy – firstly because the amount of liquid we taste is very, very small, and secondly it’s mainly about nosing.
Nosing – or smelling – the whisky is the preferred method of sampling and the most important part of my job.
‘Our tasting abilities are really affected by smell, so that means no perfume for me.’ (Photo: Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert)
Each day, I can be nosing and tasting up to 30-40 different whiskies, which is over 10,000 samples a year.
Once we have selected the highest quality casks, we blend the whisky together and prepare it for bottling.
Because of the amount of nosing involved, I always need to think about what I am eating and drinking as this affects my nose and sense of smell.
Having a cup of coffee before nosing, for example, can dramatically change how you interpret the flavours you smell in spirits, so I’ve had to wave goodbye to my morning coffee routine.
Equally, there is a huge focus on flavour, and our tasting abilities are really affected by smell, so that means no perfume for me either.
This is particularly tricky if I have a cold – while most people will be able to carry on with their day, for me, this means I won’t be able to nose properly.
Fortunately, we nose spirits in advance of bottling, so if I’m unable to nose on a specific day, we would postpone until I was on perfect nosing-form.
Nosing is something you can’t rush – it’s easy to become nose blind if we rush through samples.
This is particularly stressful when I know I have several samples to nose and will struggle to fit them all in one day.
One of the best parts of the job is that I get to travel around the world in search of inspiration for future whisky expressions and to meet fans of The Balvenie.
‘I’ll always remember the first sip of whisky I tasted.’ (Photo: Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert)
I’ve recently been to China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Singapore, New York and Texas. David is a bit of a superstar in Asia and people queue for hours to get their bottles signed by him.
A lot of people there have bottles of whisky with the same birth year as their son or daughter. Having a bottle of whisky that was distilled in the same year as a loved one has special significance in Asian countries.
One thing I really love about nosing and tasting different whiskies is the memories it immediately invokes.
I’ll always remember the first sip of whisky I tasted. It was up at the distillery and the smell alone took me straight back to spending time with my family, in particular my grandfather, who was a big fan of whisky.
Every bottle makes me think of something different and I really enjoy the emotional response that whisky can bring.
My friends are always surprised when I pick up smells they don’t even notice – they say I have a superhuman sense of smell. The reality is that my sense of smell is as good as everyone’s, but I can enunciate the smells I sense better.
‘There is room for new experiments and we constantly have trials bubbling away.’ (Photo: Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert)
For example, when someone smells something they say is ‘sweet’, they’re often not able to pin point what it is exactly that makes it sweet. I can tell this smell has honey or orange blossom aromas, for instance.
Being an apprentice malt master means you’re in one of the only jobs where you may not see the fruits of your work for 10, 20 or even 50 years.
It’s interesting to think we are laying down whisky in barrels that might not be drunk until it’s time for me to retire. This is probably the strangest aspect of my job.
However, it also means that there is room for new experiments and we constantly have trials bubbling away in the background.
Some see the light of day, but there are others that don’t go according to plan: we could have been working on an expression for years before we realise the influence of a specific cask doesn’t compliment the sweetness of our whisky.
It’s always a shame when this happens, but it’s an opportunity for us to understand what went wrong and how to make up for it.
I wouldn’t say becoming an apprentice malt master was something I always knew I would do. I studied biology and biological sciences at university, and from my time spent in the lab, I got really interested in the technique and skills that go into spirit distillation.
After graduating in 2014, I started working in the lab at William Grant & Sons distillery in the Lowlands of Scotland.
I then studied an MSc in Brewing and Distilling at Heriot-Watt University, which I graduated from this year.
I don’t think there is any required specific experience as such – my studies in biology stood me in good stead but I’d say that most of the skills I have gained has been ‘on the job’.
Main image: Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert
How to get involved with My odd job:
My odd job is a new weekly series from Metro.co.uk, published every Sunday.
If you have an unusual job and want to get involved, email aimee.meade@metro.co.uk.
‘Tumblr made sex a community experience.’ (Picture: Vex Ashley)
I started taking my clothes off on the internet in 2011.
I was 21 and at university, looking to make extra money and explore my exhibitionist streak. I found a home on Tumblr.
This week the site announced that, as of 17 December, porn and explicitly adult content will not be tolerated.
I started out as an alt porn model, stripping and masturbating on web cam, then set up my own independent porn project, Four Chambers, right there on Tumblr.
Six years later, I’m screening my films around the world and it’s my full time job.
At 21, being ‘sexy’ felt like it was defined by the world of mainstream porn that seemed to require a certain body type, presentation and level of perceived marketability that I felt excluded from as a weird, goth teenager.
Finding DIY porn communities on Tumblr showed me that you didn’t have to be the cookie-cutter image of a porn star that I had in my head. I could do things my own way, on my own terms.
Away from the immediacy of Twitter’s timeline and the punishing curated Instagram grid, your Tumblr was your intimate space, your messy bedroom.
Your parents didn’t even know what ‘a Tumblerer?’ was
Anonymous enough that it allowed you to be vulnerable, public enough to feel seen.
As a community we felt free to share and over share. Sex is too often kept in the shadows, it’s still an almost entirely private experience.
What turns us on is confined to our deleted porn search history, away from polite society.
The ‘everybody does it, just nobody talks about it’ line from Sarah Michelle Geller’s character in Cruel Intentions, but on Tumblr, everybody was talking about it.
Tumblr made sex a community experience.
We shared it, discussed it, debated it and curated it.
Porn on Tumblr was treated as an aesthetic, artistic component of your page and your life, alongside your complementary colours of sunsets and song lyrics and personal posts.
It was out in the open.
It allowed you to become a collector of your own desires, displaying them and celebrating them proudly, rather than having them spoon fed by a tube site algorithm.
Sex is as important as any other facet of the messy, complicated, multifaceted galaxy of what makes us human. To isolate it out only makes it scarier, breeding misinformation, confusion and shame.
If I look back at my blog I can see the gestation of every idea for every film I’ve made and probably every film I’ll make since.
This sharing was so desperately vital for women and other marginalised people whose sexualities are often overlooked or infantilised in media catered to the tastes of the traditional porn consumer – the straight white guy.
Tumblr dismantled that. It allowed for sex in a space that didn’t feel like it was dominated by male desire.
It facilitated our experimentation in a self-directed, self-initiated way.
It helped young, queer people find their communities and sexualities represented; to take control and represent themselves.
Self-shot nudes on Tumblr were the first time I saw diverse, gender non-conforming bodies presented as sexual on their own terms.
Existing alongside those communities online expanded my politics and my own perception of sex and attraction.
Although Tumblr (for its sins) is probably tasked with the rise of the ‘call your boyfriend daddy’ cultural phenomenon, it demystified kink and alternative sexualities for my generation, expanding them from something only for middle aged men in underground sex clubs.
It felt like Tumblr gave space for us as young people to try on and try out diverse sexualities from the relative safety of bedrooms and laptops — age play, pegging, fisting, all in posts made by and for amateurs.
There’s often moral handwringing about young people putting themselves in potentially dangerous face-to-face situations while they learn about their boundaries with sex, but then the avenues for relatively low risk experimentation and curiosity are being systematically closed as our online life becomes more sterilised and censored.
No one feels this current move towards censorship more than sex workers online, in this climate of post FOSTA/SESTA — a law criminalising websites that facilitate practices that could loosely be related to sex trafficking, resulting in mass extinction of sex workers and sex related content from online spaces.
We’re being systematically removed at an exponentially increasing rate and it’s impossible not to see this cleansing of Tumblr in relation to that.
Its leniency to NSFW media meant it became part of the modern day ‘real girl next door’ sex work revolution, removed from the traditional adult industry and not homogenised and dictated over by old fashioned porn company ideals.
On Tumblr you could record yourself and sell directly to your community of followers without putting yourself on an intimidating porn site and paying them a huge percentage.
Your porn promo posts sat right next to your memes. Some users sold pin badges and patches, some sold homemade porn and worn underwear.
Sites like Tumblr allowed people to do sex work and be independent and accessible, integrated with other communities in a way we aren’t permitted to be elsewhere.
It allowed people with disabilities, young parents, people of colour, trans and gender non-conforming folk to make rent.
It paid off people’s student loans and vet’s bills. It fed people’s families.
And it did all this from a space that felt safer, that felt more under our control.
As our lives move increasingly online, spaces that are safe for sex are becoming smaller and smaller.
Sex is as important as any other facet of the messy, complicated, multifaceted galaxy of what makes us human. To isolate it out only makes it scarier, breeding misinformation, confusion and shame.
For a while communities on Tumblr were a small, strange antidote to that. Thank you for the time we had, we have to preserve what space we have left.
An unedited version of this article was originally published on Medium, and can be found here.
‘The unfortunate reality is most bisexual men are navigating blind.’ (Picture: Lewis Oakley)
Email after email, private message after private message, they contact me. Men, from all around the world reaching out hoping I can help.
Their struggles are always the same; they aren’t straight, they aren’t gay either, but for god’s sake don’t call them bisexual – they aren’t ready for that yet.
Bisexuality in men really shouldn’t be the big deal it is.
However, that’s not the full scope of people dealing with bi issues. Sexuality is a spectrum, and just because someone doesn’t label themselves as bisexual doesn’t mean we should assume they’re ‘monosexual.’
YouGov currently recognises that 43 per cent of 16-24-year olds do not identify as ‘exclusively’ gay or straight – meaning almost half of young people are dealing with attractions to more than one gender. That’s almost half! So what’s the problem?
Sadly, it seems that men with same sex attractions, when they also have attractions to women, feel like they have to keep their sexuality secret, with almost 90 per cent of bi men currently hiding in the closet.
Unfortunately, there is a cost to this repression and it’s not just about the mental toll of hiding your true identity from those closest. The true cost is that bisexual men never talk to each other.
Like any group, people tend to come together to support each other as a community; it’s through those agreements, arguments and shared experiences that people not only feel comfortable with themselves, but improve all areas of life for that group.
That’s simply not happening for bisexual men.
I’m in a unique position, as someone open and confident in my sexuality, bisexual men from around the world reach out to me, usually in a time of crisis.
Something’s happened, their bisexuality is to blame and they’re turning to the only other bisexual guy they’re aware of.
And the sad truth is I usually hear the same 10 problems.
What’s glaringly obvious to me is that if they had bi friends, family or people in their life to discuss these issues with, they’d never end up in this situation to begin with.
Most gay men have other gay men around them. This means they don’t feel isolated and can learn from each other’s experience. It’s such a relief to have someone to turn to and say, ‘thank god, you get it.’
Take one of the more controversial topics: can a bisexual ever be faithful? Will one person ever be enough to satisfy a bisexual?
Bi men are already tarnished with the brush that they are just one step away from cheating, but who do they have to discuss how to handle having attractions to both sexes with?
If they were ever to reveal that sometimes they do struggle to balance multiple attractions they would be held as proof society was right about bisexuals all along.
But the truth is, if bisexual men don’t have others like them around to discuss issues, learn from other’s experiences and ask questions of people who have been there and done that, they will continue to be in a constant state of infancy, doomed to repeat the same mistakes generation after generation.
Most gay men have other gay men around them. This means they don’t feel isolated and can learn from each other’s experience. It’s such a relief to have someone to turn to and say, ‘thank god, you get it.’
Unfortunately the natural thing for men who find themselves as the only bisexual in the village is to bury it as deep down as possible and try and live life as a straight man.
Many of the men that reach out to me see their bisexuality as a problem; it’s the reason their marriage fell apart or that they are struggling with their mental health.
Yet often when I’m listening to their stories, I don’t think this is true. I think the second something goes wrong in a bisexual’s life both them, and the people around them, blame bisexuality rather than other contributing factors.
This is particularly true of older bi men. Many have reached out in their late 30s early 40s, their stories remarkably similar. They knew they were bisexual but hid it and now they are settled down, and married with kids, it’s bubbled to the surface.
They feel that in trying to ignore this they’ve been dishonest. They don’t want to die living a lie and need to know their wife would love them for the true them.
And in a lot of those cases, what happens next is remarkably similar. The couple panic each other. The wife wants to know what her husband being bisexual means for her and for their relationship.
The sad thing, of course, is the husband doesn’t have a clue what being bi means either.
He’s been hiding it for so long he never took the time to learn from others what a 40 year old bi man, married to a woman with three kids looks like.
The unfortunate reality is most bisexual men are navigating blind.
So, is there a solution?
Yes. To the young bisexuals reading this I urge you, do you really think you’re the only person dealing with this sexuality?
It’s the second most common sexuality of our species. Whilst you might think you have a handle on it, or that it’s better to bury it, I beg you to ask how many bisexuals have you traded notes with?
How many have you discussed your similarities and your differences with? Learnt from?
Yes, bisexuals choose to hide because the world can be intolerant of them, and to that extent, we all must put more pressure on LGBT groups to up their game and play their part in bringing bisexuals together.
It doesn’t have to be negative. We could vastly improve the lives of bisexuals if we just talked.
This can be a difficult time of year for many (Picture: Getty)
Christmas is meant to be all about festive cheer, family and friendly fun.
But sadly for some, the holidays are not a break from the serious issues they face at work or home.
Highlighting the plight of domestic abuse victims during the festive period, a charity, Refuge, has written a series of poems to show what it’s like for those who live in fear at home.
The words of the poem, though they might appear happy and positive first, turn serious quickly when you read them in inverse.
Refuge has written the poems intended to be read bottom to top to highlight the hidden problem of domestic violence.
Two women are killed by a current or former partner every week in England and Wales alone (Picture: Getty)
‘Christmas Eve’ seems at first to be about a traditional family setting during the holidays.
The lyrics read: ‘Mum’s laid out our best white tablecloth, a splash of warm claret infuses Dad’s traditional punch’.
When the lines are reversed, they reveal hidden connotations which show an ongoing cycle of abuse: ‘Dad’s traditional punch, a splash of warm claret infuses our best white tablecloth, Mum’s laid out.’
Similarly, Mistletoes goes: ‘Our first Christmas together
‘I had been excited to have
‘Him
‘Around
‘I started tiptoeing
‘Down the stairs
‘And he had a surprise waiting…he threw me
‘A party
‘He knows how to spoil
‘A simple girl!
‘He called me
‘In front of everyone
‘Then he cut me off
‘A sprig of mistletoe
‘We shared a kiss underneath
‘Our friends cheered as
‘Outside, the snow silently settled.’
If you read the lines bottom to top, it reveals a person called names by their partner in front of their friends, and is then thrown down the stairs.
In this way, Refuge has used words to spell out the hidden message, working with marketing agency McCann Bristol to campaign as part of the UN Women’s 16 Days of Activism.
The initiative which began on 25 November calls for action to end violence against women and girls around the world and will run until 10 December on Human Rights Day.
Sandra Horley CBE, chief executive of Refuge, said: ‘Two women are killed by a current or former partner every week in England and Wales alone. Domestic abuse is the biggest issue affecting women and children in this country today – it really is a life and death issue.’
The charity said it is overwhelmed with the number of people who get in touch to detail their experiences of domestic violence and receive calls from up to 6,500 survivors on any given day.
But it is urging women men who face violence in the home during the festive period and beyond to speak to someone from the charity to put a stop to it.
On its Twitter channel which revealed the poems, Refuge wrote: ‘When your partner turns on you, turn to us – visit http://www.refuge.org.uk.’
Hurrah, Asos has just launched a new line of clothing for women with big boobs.
The range will include cup sizes between DD to G, which will be welcome news to women who struggle to find stylish clothes that fit them properly around the chest.
Those with a fuller bust will know all too well the horrors of wearing a shirt with the gap between buttons or not being able to get the zip up because of large breasts.
The situation is even more dire if you want to find a cute bralette, as they often come in all the small sizes but somehow turn into fifty shades of beige as they go up in size – that’s if they’re available at all.
Thank God then that Asos heard our cries.
(Picture: Asos)
You can now get dresses, shirts, bralettes, and swimwear in all kinds of sizes, as well as offering clothes in tall, petite, and maternity ranges.
The collection has options for those who don’t want to show too much of their cleavage or won’t feel comfortable with a plunging neckline (for fear of being too booby).
You can now get office appropriate V-necks and cami tops, which are designed to be stylish and supportive.
The range also includes swimwear and underwear.
Dresses cost around £35, a bikini top won’t set you back much at £12 and bras start at £10.
(Picture: Asos)
Shoppers have been raving about the addition online, praising Asos for being more inclusive.
One person tweeted: ‘Buzzing off my t*ts (quite literally) after discovering Asos have a fuller bust range now.’
Meanwhile another wrote: ‘ASOS. I’m not even kidding. Their Fuller Bust range is my lifesaver.’
‘Reasonably priced and great fit. Gone are the days of buying bikini tops that are four dress sizes above mine with a poor fit.’ said another.
They also used disabled models to showcase the range.
Fans tweeted lots of praise with one saying: ‘Asos leading the way! This is honestly the first time I have ever seen a disabled model in a “normal” set up, rather than a special one off to gain attention.’
Spending the Christmas season in New York City may seem stereotypical but there’s a reason so many of us take the trip across the Atlantic to visit the Big Apple.
From the possibility of snow, to the magic of the lights spreading out across Manhattan and the gosh darn happiness of everyone in the city, the hype is real, so get booking a last minute trip for this December.
The most famous tree in the world
The Rockefeller Christmas tree is perhaps now the most famous Christmas tree in the world, with the lighting ceremony being broadcast across America for 86 years.
(Picture: Rebecca Lewis/Metro.co.uk)
But there’s a reason for this as the tree – which weighs 21 tons – is 15-metres wide, is decorated by 50,000 multicolored lights and is adorned with a Swarovski crystal star – designed by architect Daniel Libeskind.
Beat that this Christmas.
The ice skating rink over which the tree presides is open until midnight every day so you can ice skate to your hearts content all evening.
And even Scrooge would have to admit that ice skating underneath the spectacular Rockefeller tree is pretty damn magical.
Shop ’til you drop
A Christmas tree shines bright over Bryant Park (Picture: Getty)
Think Christmas markets and your first thought will be the classic German markets.
But New York can do markets just as well as the Germans, and perhaps one of the best is Bryant Park winter village, with a 17,000-square-foot ice-skating rink (in case you have’t had enough of whizzing around the ice) and more than 170 shopping kiosks and food vendors.
There are more than 170 stalls at the Holiday Market in Bryant Park (Picture: Getty)
Pretzels, waffles, frites, mac and cheese and more are all on offer for a tasty lunch (or snack) while vendors sell the likes of woolly mittens, candles, Christmas ornaments, gorgeous local artwork (visit Melsy’s Illustrations for an Instagram-worthy booth and unique prints for the Sex And The City fans in your life) and moisturisers from Dr Silkman, which involve burning a candle and using the wax to massage into your hands.
Is there anything more decadent?
Insta to your hearts content (Picture: Rebecca Lewis)
At Grand Central Station you can shop inside one of the city’s most gorgeous buildings, with 40 stalls available under the celestial ceiling.
This market features a lot of handmade crafts, including children’s toys, so a perfect place to pick up a gift or two for the kids in your life, while Union Square market is the place for supporting local businesses as it features a wide array of artisanal products, many of which are NYC-made, organic and often made from recycable materials.
If you’re looking to give back, Choose Love is the first store in the world to sell gifts for refugees, and in 2018 they’re opening their first NYC pop-up shop.
Customers buy items like food, life jackets, shoes and sleeping bags at the shop, and every purchase goes towards a similar item for a refugee, delivered via one of the 80+ projects Help Refugees support across the world.
Will you bump into the real Santa Claus? (Picture: Getty)
NYC is also the home of the department store and while you may be too old to sit on Santa’s knee and ask him for bicycle under the tree this year, some of the city’s best shops also have stunning mini Christmas markets set up for you to buy gifts for loved ones, including Bloomingdales, Saks, and Macy’s – home of the original Miracle On 34th Street film.
18 miles of books for your reading pleasure this Christmas (Picture: Getty Images)
And if you’ve got a book lover in your life (and who doesn’t?) head down to The Strand, home to 18 miles of new, used, and rare books.
18 miles.
It’s also home to literary gifts such as mugs, bags, bookmarks and candles scented with names such as Cafe Au Library.
As Frank Sinatra sang, it truly is a wonderful town
The Midtown skyline with the Empire State Building lit up in Christmas colors (Picture: Getty)
Let’s get this out of the way, NYC is home to some of the best tourist spots in the world, from the Statue Of Liberty to the Empire State Building and Brooklyn Bridge, and going to the city to see these spots in December may seem silly but is genuinely magical.
Americans may be known for always being there with a smile and a ‘how are you today?’ but that warmth and happiness adds to the joy as you take in the sights (with a hot chocolate in hand, obviously).
A 60-minute boat trip out to Liberty Island will take you past the lady of the lamp, along with Ellis Island, and offer you a view back at the bottom tip of Manhattan with the financial district and the imposing One World Trade Centre building.
It stands at 546 metres making it the tallest building in the United States and the Western Hemisphere – and the sixth tallest in the world.
Manhattan from the famous Brooklyn bridge (Picture: Getty)
To get the best views of the city from high above, you could be brave and try a helicopter tour, or head to Top Of The Rock, the observatory at Rockefeller Centre, for 360 degree views that will ensure your pictures include the iconic Empire State Building.
The Radio City Rockettes:
The famous Rockettes dance company have called Radio City Music Hall home since 1932 and are now a Christmas tradition for dance fans around the world, known worldwide for their precision dancing with over 60 dancers performing high kicks and dazzling tap-dance routines in exact synchronicity.
The dancers are required to be able to kick up to 1,200 times a day and change costumes in less than 78 seconds and this year their Christmas spectacular will literally have you slack-jawed as they dance, kick and sing their way through a 90-minute performance focusing on the birth of Jesus, Santa Clause, and the Nutcracker.
And wait until you see them in extreme slow-motion line up and fall over like dominos…
New York City
Where to stay: If you want to make the most of a trip to New York City, you need to stay as central as possible.
Metro.co.uk stayed at The Kimpton Eventi, on 6th Avenue, which is in walking distance from the Empire State Building, Rockefeller, Macy’s, Bryant Park, the High Line and the Strand meaning you’re really going to earn those glasses of prosecco and mulled wine.
Plus, sign up (for free!) to become an IHG member and you get free WiFi to upload your Instagram pictures and this December members are gifted a a whopping 5,000 points if IHG are tagged in their snaps.
How to fly: It’s Christmas and that means sales.
Flights to New York are incredibly cheap right now and are available from across the UK; Metro.co.uk flew from London Heathrow with United Airlines.
Consent is the most important thing when it comes to sex.
But if you’re using sex dolls – nonsentient things – how can they give consent for sexual activities? That’s been a major concern as some people worry that robot sex dolls might blur the lines of consent.
So, one tech company, Eve’s Robot Dreams, has come up with what they’re calling the world’s first consensual robot sex doll brothel.
In it, customers will be able to build rapport with the dolls and have to fulfill the brand’s requirements before they can move onto sexual relations.
Founder Unicole Unicron wants to build a future where sex dolls are respected (Picture: Eve’s Robot Dreams)
According to founder of the California-based brand, Unicole Unicron, a robot ethicist, they want to ‘build a world where robots are treated with the respect they deserve, thus not contributing to a potential robot rebellion in the future.’
‘Guests can begin building a relationship with their new companion by downloading the Realbotix app on their phone,’ it says on the website.
‘When they visit Eve’s they can either interact with the companion bot that they have already started to get to know, or with one who they haven’t met yet.’
The brothel has a cafe where customers can take their bot and have a chat with before they have sex.
The brothel has a cafe where customers can take their bot and have a chat with before they have sex (Picture: Eve’s Robot Dreams)
After the initial get to know period when a relationship is established and the organisers are happy that the customer has behaved appropriately, the brothel operates as a typical one.
But there are flaws and kinks that the company has yet to sort out, like withdrawing consent, says Unicole.
‘Violent or belligerent customers will be asked to leave, so there is some level of protection. Eve’s is consent-focused, so we use it as a space to practice consent. It’s more like a role-playing game for people to practice getting consent from partners.
A private session will cost customers $122 (Picture: Eve’s Robot Dreams)
‘As the technology develops and the robots are able to understand nuance and complex scenarios better, there will be situations that they can withdraw their consent.’
A private session will cost customers $122 (£93) to have sex with a robot, or $10,000 (£7,600) if they want it to be the robot’s ‘first’, something that people have slammed.
Eve’s Robot Dreams is yet to open though as they are currently crowdfunding to make the brothel, saying ‘the future of pleasure is now’.
So far they have raised $2,659 on their Indiegogo page.
Many of us find it impossible to make the break (Picture: Shutterstock)
Life is short – way too short to stay in a bad relationship which isn’t making you happy.
And yet so many of us find it impossible to make the break, even when we know the time has come.
Most of us have known couples where it’s obvious to the outside world that neither party is happy.
It can be baffling to witness the bitter squabbling and recriminations which build up after years of resentment, and hard not to wonder why they don’t simply split up.
(Picture: Shutterstock)
The kind of cruelty we can show each other when we stay in a bad relationship means that one recently-revealed reason for doing so may come as a surprise.
It’s important to note that research of this kind doesn’t investigate violent or abusive relationships- in which reasons for staying are, of course, much more complex.
Instead they focus on relationships which have simply not worked out, or no longer make both parties happy.
Most studies on such dynamics and what causes us to stick around up have focused on self-concerned reasons for staying.
These have tended to include things like financial strain, fear of being single, and misplaced hope that things would get better.
(Picture: Shutterstock)
But the new study showed that the more concerned we are that our partner relies on us, the less likely we are to break up.
A total of 1,348 participants in romantic relationships were tracked over a 10-week period, and results showed that the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate a separation.
It’s heartening in a way to know that we still care so deeply about each other even after falling out of love.
But bear in mind that studies also show time and time again that being single is better for wellbeing than being in a low quality relationship.
The kindest thing to do for all involved is to draw things to an end when the love is gone.
We all crave a good night’s sleep every once in a while.
If you find yourself envying a baby sleeping soundly with not a worry in the world then fret not, that could be you.
That’s because a bunch of architect experts have got together to create a hotel room that looks like a womb, complete with muted lighting, soft pink walls and high-tech mattresses, all to create the coziness of your mother’s interiors.
The Zed Rooms have been purpose-built over, fittingly, nine months and feature bedrooms with a cocoon-like bed, inspired by the safety and snugness of the womb, to encourage positivity, relaxation and REM-rich sleep.
(Picture: Billy Bolton / SWNS.com)
The rooms come as part of a collaboration between sleep technology company, Simba and serviced apartments Cuckooz.
They took inspiration from a womb as, during the last weeks of pregnancy, a baby increases its REM sleep, hitting a lifetime high of twelve hours a day in the final week before birth.
There’s no other moment during a person’s life when they will get such a huge volume of REM sleep.
Resident sleep psychologist at Simba, Hope Bastine, said: ‘If you’ve ever noticed that you don’t sleep as well in a hotel, you’re not alone.
‘Scientists recognised the first night effect over a decade ago, where one half of the brain unconsciously acts as a night watchman staying more alert when in unfamiliar surroundings.
‘With this in mind, tapping into the emotional and physical, no stone has been left unturned trying to soothe the effects of this in the design architecture of our new cutting-edge sleep retreat.’
(Picture: Billy Bolton / SWNS.com)
There’s plenty in the room to ensure a delicious night of snoozing too, including restorative scents and colours to relax muscles, air cleansing soporific plants to eliminate toxins and healing background harmonies to unwind.
And don’t worry about stubbing your toe in the middle of the night when you get up to pee as the room is equipped with rounded edges and softened corners.
Steve Reid, co-founder of Simba, added: ‘The Zed Rooms aren’t a traditional getaway.
‘They are geared entirely to honing quality sleep away from home. Fine tuning you overnight to navigate at whatever life throws at you the following day.’
‘We strive to be at the forefront of innovation within the hospitality sector and to push the boundaries when it comes to guest experience,’ said co-founder of Cuckooz, Fabienne O’Neill.
‘Design and wellbeing are at the heart of everything we do.’
The Zed Rooms, located in Shoreditch, East London, are available for £190 per night.
Mental health is stigmatised in a lot of different communities, and men in particular can find it hard to open up.
Thankfully, in the 21st-century people are carving out spaces to talk about our mental and emotional wellbeing.
Youtube comedian Humza Arshad, or as his followers might know him, star of ‘Diary of a Badman’, is exploring the topic in the Asian community.
He has created a short film, ‘Boys Don’t Cry’, to talk about male mental health, saying that the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK is suicide.
Humza tells Metro.co.uk about his short film and pairing up with the charities CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and Heads Together, an initiative led by Prince William.
(Picture: Humza Arshad/YouTube)
As a YouTube ambassador, Humza joined the video sharing platform’s Creators for Change initiative which aims to foster productive conversations around tough issues and make a positive impact on the world.
Humza, a British Asian, touched on Islamophobia, bullying, knife crime, and mental health when he joined the programme last year.
His latest short film Boys Don’t Cry centres on him and his group of friends, all of whom are going through their own mental health issues. Two of them are deeply unhappy, despite never saying anything to one another, so much so that one of the friends ends up committing suicide.
‘This year I wanted to do something very different,’ Humza explained to Metro.co.uk, ‘and something that’s not as talked about in the Asian community is toxic masculinity so I did my research, and found that 75% of suicide numbers were males under 45 with numbers rapidly increasing among young Asian men.
The film shows that everyone can struggle (Picture: Diary of a Badman)
‘I was shocked, the research took me back. I realised that one of the big issues is that we have to be manly men, we can’t show emotion, it’s a weakness, that’s how it’s perceived.
‘Guys tend to bottle things up, find it hard to turn to our friends and say I’m really upset.
‘I also bottle everything up, so many things I’ve experienced, I don’t want to tell anyone, so it was very important to make this video and put it out there, to tell people that by bottling it in, it’s the worst thing you can do, it can push you over the edge.
‘The response was amazing.’
The video is accompanied by a long poem written by Humza, something he worked on after getting interested in spoken word poetry.
Humza added that the actors in the film are emerging artists he asked to audition for the role as he wanted to give them exposure.
The film, in turn, also had a positive impact on Humza’s real-life friends who are now much more in tune with their emotions and open up about their experiences.
One reason why young men may find it so difficult to open up is culture, added Humza.
(Picture: Humza Arshad/YouTube)
‘The issue happens in lots of other communities too but in Asian households, it’s to do with the fact that our parents are from another generation, a lot of them have come from overseas where they’ve had a different upbringing, men have that pride, to be the ‘breadwinners’ and to not be emotional.
‘As with lots of other groups, we have that stereotypical, “don’t be a girl” silly mentality but thankfully now it’s progressed a lot more, we’re in a different place.
‘We’re changing that by bringing up these conversations about toxic masculinity, suicide, mental health awareness. I’m hopeful that the next generation will be different and realise that there’s difference between being a man and being a machine,
‘I want people to realise that we’re all human, we go through the same emotions, there’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to open up.
‘Sadness is an emotion all of us feel.’
You can watch more of Humza’s videos on his channel.
Christmas dinner is the pinnacle of festive eating. We love it. But it’s seriously time-consuming.
There’s the setting of the table, ploughing your way through three giant courses, and you’ve got to cook the damn thing.
But Christmas dinner doesn’t have to take all day – Morrisons is making sure of it.
The supermarket have created a handy snack that combines all three courses into a single pasty. So you can have your starter, main and dessert all in the same mouthful.
Is it the ultimate in convenience eating? Or is it just wrong?
(Picture: Morrisons)
The Cornish classic is filled by hand and crimped with delicious, flaky pastry.
Inside there’s everything you would expect in a lavish Christmas dinner.
For starters, diners are treated to the classic combination of Ardennes pâté, sweet apple chutney and Melba toast.
A third of the way through the pasty comes the main course, turkey with sage and onion stuffing, potato, pigs in blankets, cranberries and a creamy sauce.
And for dessert, at the end of the pasty, is rich Christmas pudding with brandy sauce.
(Picture: Morrisons)
We’re getting serious Friends flashbacks. Joey eating Rachel’s trifle/shepherd’s pie on Thanksgiving – ‘Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!’
But does it work it work in real life? Or is this combination of savoury and sweet a travesty of epic proportions?
The idea was apparently inspired by the original Cornish pasties, which combined savoury and sweet parts.
They were carried underground by tin miners and contained meat and vegetables in one end, and jam or fruit in the other.
Chefs at Morrisons took three months to perfect the pasty. It even comes with an arrow on top that tells diners which end to start at.
It’s described as the perfect ‘grab-and-go’ Christmas dinner – so if you’re really not into the whole sit-down shebang, this could be the perfect alternative.
There’s the classic cinematic version that comes to mind; lipstick on the collar, the whiff of unfamiliar scent, a stray hotel receipt found in a wallet.
But as our conception of relationships have become more sophisticated and nuanced, so too have ideas of what it means to be unfaithful.
‘Cheating’ doesn’t just mean kissing or having sex with someone who isn’t your partner- for one thing, polyamorous couples do this and don’t consider it cheating because it’s all above board.
Essentially, cheating is hiding something from your partner which you know wouldn’t be acceptable to them if they knew it.
(Picture: PeopleImages/Getty Images)
Technology and the variances of modern relationships mean that physical sexual encounters only account for one kind of infidelity.
‘Emotional affairs’ have entered our lexicon, to denote an overly intimate non-sexual relationship, doing things such as messaging constantly or confessing feelings for one another, which develops between outwardly platonic friends or colleagues.
Despite not involving sex or touching, these affairs can be just as damaging to the trust in a relationship.
Likewise, cyber affairs which don’t necessitate physical engagement can be just as hurtful as the ‘real’ thing. What, really, is the difference between an affair conducted over a webcam and one of the more traditional sort? Sure, you’re a lot less likely to transmit an STD to an unsuspecting partner if you do it online, but if you’re worried about deception and guilt then it all comes down to the same thing.
I was recently introduced to the term ‘financial infidelity’. Though the phrase was new to me, its meaning was all too familiar. Put simply, it means an act of deception relating to personal finance between two people with an intimate relationship.
(Picture: Getty Images)
The Journal of Financial Therapy released a study examining the problem and found that 27% of respondents had kept financial secrets from a partner.
Not surprisingly, marital and life satisfaction were lower in those who had engaged in financial infidelity.
The acts they described as financial infidelity included:
Pretending a new purchase is an old one
Saying you bought something on sale but paid full price
Hiding purchases and receipts
Taking money out of savings without telling your partner
Having a secret credit card
Having a secret stash of money
Concealing debt
Keeping a raise or bonus a secret
Gambling money away in secret
(Picture: Getty Images)
It doesn’t come as news to me that personal finances can be a defining and devastating factor in a relationship falling apart.
Almost as soon as I became financially independent from my parents, money was an issue between me and my exes. The main money problem has tended to be that I don’t have any, and insist on acting as though I do.
Though never the most measured of women, the beginning of a relationship seems to act like a horrific red flag to the raging bull of my financial immoderation.
In those first few idyllic months when everything is a blur and anything seems possible, I simply won’t allow the material fact of my relative poverty to stop me living my romantic fantasies.
I spend all my wages on mini-breaks and exquisite French dinners and frosty cocktails, until the month ends and I can’t pay my rent and live sulkily on lentils and frozen peas until the cycle begins again.
I wasn’t especially poor growing up, but by my council-estate, spaghetti-hoops-for-tea standards, every single one of my partners has been from a substantially better off background than me.
Some grubby embarrassment around this, I think, has spurred me on to misrepresent my circumstances to them, by implication if not outright, and has led to quite a few unpleasant situations when it all comes crashing down.
(Picture: Ella Byworth/ Shutterstock)
I’ve never been in a serious enough relationship to consider a shared bank account or joint mortgage application (in fact the very idea of me ever embarking on a mortgage application of any kind is enough to give me a good old laugh), so financial infidelity has not been a life changing problem for me yet.
But even now, the idea of my current partner – who I’ve been with happily for going on two years – seeing my bank statement fills me with dread. I just wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Rosie*, 34 and an art teacher, says that she’s experiencing something similar at the moment, but to a more serious degree. A low earner since she left home at 17, she took out two loans over the last three years, totaling £15,000.
‘I’ve never had any money, but always got by. Then a few years back I had to pay for several big expenses at once and at the same time I was suffering from awful mental health problems, which were affecting my ability to work.’
As her meagre savings dwindled, Rosie began to notice the ads her bank showed offering her a loan. At a low ebb and not able to see how else to get through the following months, she took out first one loan, then another, with terrible interest rates.
‘I didn’t really think about what I’d do later on,’ she says, ‘I was just desperate, and couldn’t think past the short term. Whenever I did think about it I told myself that by the time it came to it I’d be feeling better and able to earn enough to cover the repayments,’
Now, in better health and working full time, she is able to cover them, but it leaves her with almost no disposable income.
‘I started seeing my girlfriend a year ago about the same time as I took out my second loan and we became serious quickly. We’re talking about marriage and moving in together. But I can’t talk about any of that with her without panicking about money. She doesn’t know I’m in debt. I think she thinks I’ve got an overdraft and that’s it. I don’t know how to tell her. It sounds so ridiculous now in retrospect, because I didn’t even spend the money I borrowed on anything in particular.’
It isn’t just future plans that scare her; the secret is placing a strain on their current relationship too. Rosie’s partner is confused as to why she can’t afford holidays or nights out despite working full time. They argue about it regularly.
(Picture: Getty Images)
‘I have no idea what to do. There’s no end in sight, even, because I’ve got years of repayments left,’ she says.
Some acts which fall under the umbrella of financial infidelity are innocent enough. It doesn’t seem to me to be particularly worrying to fib about the price of a new coat that you’ve spent a bit too much on, as long as you’re not affecting rent or mortgage payments. It is your own money after all, not your partner’s. You don’t have to merge finances with someone in order to love them, not if you don’t want to.
(Picture: Getty Images)
But Rosie’s story illustrates how a financial decision which seems minor at the time can go on to have profound concequences both for an individual and for their relationship. It isn’t that we should remonstrate her or anyone with a financial burden or secret – I’m certainly in no position to get on a high horse about it.
More so, we should be aware of this issue as a source of potential tension in otherwise healthy relationships, and try to have compassion for people suffering the shame of keeping financial secrets from people they love. Keeping significant secrets from our partners simply doesn’t end well, and for money- tangled up inherently in everything we do- that counts double.
