A conflicted groom has turned to the internet for help about how to manage a delicate situation.
The groom said he is ‘so happy’ that his brother has found a ‘great guy’ but is concerned how others will react to the news, and that it will outshine the special occasion and upset his bride.
He recently shared his story in a heart-breaking Reddit post, where he asked the internet if he’s an ‘asshole’ for telling his brother to go stag.
The post has 4,600 comments so far and people are conflicted on whether the groom has gone about this in a good way or whether he should have handled it differently.
‘My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know,’ the groom wrote.
‘I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century’s mind, and the younger portion, cousins/siblings are open-minded, and are living in the present.
‘So my brother has been dating his bf [boyfriend] for six months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay.’
The dilemma in this scenario isn’t that the brother is gay, nor that he wants to come out – the groom goes on to explain that he has been actively encouraging his brother to do so – but rather the day he has chosen to do so.
He wrote: ‘If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that. Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullshit that would happen, the groom wrote.
‘And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. And I don’t wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason.’
The groom recently had a chat with his brother and asked him not to bring his boyfriend along to the event, which has caused friction between the pair.
‘With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me,’ he wrote.
‘He started crying and left my house without saying anything.
‘Next day I got a text and he said “don’t worry, going alone”. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer me, and my parents don’t seem to know what’s happening because they didn’t say anything.
‘He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us.
‘This is the worst situation of my life, am I the asshole for handling it the way I did?’
The post has 4,600 comments so far and people are conflicted on whether the groom has gone about this a good way or whether he should have handled it differently.
It’s unclear whether this incident has actually happened (we have contacted the Reddit user to get more information) – but it has definitely caused an interesting debate on the intricacies of coming out, both for the person doing so and for their family members.
‘God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs [sic] wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life, wrote one person.
‘It’s your wedding it’s your day.’
Someone else suggested that the gay brother has another motive for wanting to come out on this particular day.
‘I think brother wants to piggyback on the wedding to use it as a distraction tool,’ they wrote.
‘He comes to the wedding with his bf [boyfriend], family is shocked, but can’t really deal with/react to the issue because wedding, so impact for him is softened. He’s relying on social politeness norms to sneak in a heavy topic.’
Many people recommended an alternative solution and said it could be better if the brother came out before the wedding, so that it doesn’t upstage the big event.
Unfortunately, however, there’s a bit of a time crunch as the wedding is five days away.
‘It’s not that simple because “coming out” is not like flipping a switch,’ wrote one person.
‘There will be people who don’t get the message, and even for those that do it’s likely the first time they see him with a same sex partner. If there’s 3+ mos [sic] or another major family event before the wedding it might be a good solution..but OP [original poster] say one week.’
The situation has angered some people; while most offered constructive feedback, the groom has since updated his post to express that one user sent him a very threatening private message.
This also prompted him to clarify that he supports his brother but is worried about remarks and looks from the guests, and that he doesn’t ‘want to see my bride or mom crying, or some idiot uncle insulting my brother’.
The groom added: ‘Literally every other day of my life I will support my brother’s decision to come out.
‘Even at the wedding, I would obviously defend him. But the point is, NOT AT THE WEDDING.’