The picture with a million likes (Picture: fra_lucchesi_photography)
Three childhood friends attending the Black Lives Matter protest in Dundalk, Ireland, went viral last week.
Kiitan Amao and Moyo Badun, who are Black, and Sean Hill, who is white, have been friends for the last 16 years.
When Kiitan shared a throwback image of the friends when they were three years old alongside one of now, as they fight racism together, the picture was liked a million times.
The picture, captured by photographer Fra Lucchesi, shows Sean holding a sign saying: ‘I’m not black but I see U. I’m not black but I hear. I’m not black but I will Fight 4 u.’
Kiitan, Moyo, and Sean have been friends since they were three and they hope that the message of unity inspires hope for people.
The pals have been friends since they were three (Picture; Kiitan Amao)
Moyo, 18, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I believe these pictures are what I want society to be, it is a small message but has years of hardships spent together giving it a powerful message which is why it has touched a lot of people.’
Kiitan, 18, adds that it was vital for the group to attend the protest, organised by their friend Funto Joye.
He says: ‘We protested together because we had seen the impact the Dublin protest made in Ireland, so we felt it was necessary to have one in Dundalk to shed light on the BLM movement in Dundalk.’
Moyo says he’s been a victim of police brutality in his home town so it was a natural choice to join the movement.
He adds: ‘Racism exists everywhere even in Ireland, police officers stripped my clothes from me handcuffed and brutally assaulted me in a cell.
‘Just like with George Floyd, the police officer but his knee on my head while screaming out racial slurs and assaulting me. This was all because I sat down on a sidewalk waiting for my taxi so I could go home.
‘We Black people are tired of being the victims, so this picture has so much meaning to me because it goes to show racism is taught and we need to educate those that don’t understand racism or those that are ignorant towards it.’
Moyo and Kiitan have faced racism on the football pitch (Picture; Kiitan Amao))
Sean, 19, admits that he’s always learning and that white people should also do the work, for the sake of Black and people of colour.
He tells us: ‘I’ve been friends with Moyo and Kiitan since I was three and we never really saw or understood racism until a later age as we always saw each other as equal and still do to this day.
‘There were times where my friends would receive awful abuse and as much as it hurt them, it hurt me too. I’ve always stood up for them and any one of my Black friends.
‘I’ve always educated my white friends on how Black lives matter and why they should be treated the same as everyone else.’
The trio have been fighting racism since they were kids (Picture; Kiitan Amao)
It’s not just their shared fight against racism, but the years they’ve clocked up together that makes them such good friends.
Moyo adds: ‘We grew up together, we’ve been through everything together and that will never stop, we will be brothers for life not because of the colour of our skin but because we were raised together and have been through everything together.
Kiitan concurs: ‘Race has never really been an aspect of our friendship because our bond is so strong.’
Moyo and Kiitan are also appreciative of Sean being an ally.
Kiitan says: ‘Sean has always been always supportive. He really does stand and cancel out racism.
‘He has even stopped talking to some of his friends for being racist and I truly respect him for that, he’s really a genuine guy.’
They’ve been friends for nearly 16 years (Picture; Kiitan Amao)
Sean says it was important for him to speak to the white crowds at the protest to show how they can be better allies.
‘The protest was amazing especially for me as I was able to get up and speak in front of a big crowd on how my friends should be treated better in our community and in the world. I was very happy to do this for my friends and for all Black lives,’ he says.
The friends agree that fighting racism together has strengthened their friendship.
Kiitan adds that activism needs to happen on the streets, not just online.
He says: ‘It was very important to show up at the protest because, as the saying goes, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself”.
‘We had to go out there and send our message so we can enforce change, as opposed to sitting on the sideline and watching from our phones.’
Kindness has been a pervasive theme since the pandemic began, on both a global and local scale.
A crisis of this proportion crashes us all together and forces us to rely on each other in ways we haven’t had to in a generation. And there is a sense that our ability to survive this hinges on individual and collective kindness – on how well we, as a society, can work with each other and for each other.
And many are being kind. Thousands of us are discovering reserves of compassion and empathy that we have never had to use before.
Every Thursday evening, for ten weeks, we stopped what we were doing and came out to clap in the streets for the NHS and key workers. We are posting notes through our neighbours’ doors offering help, buying shopping for elderly loved ones, volunteering for the NHS, considering career changes to the care sector.
In fact, a survey of more than 2,000 British adults from April found that 45% hope to continue looking out for one another post-lockdown.
The research, conducted by One4All, found that when life goes back to some semblance of normal, 52% say they will continue to appreciate family and friends more. 38% say they will continue to have a greater sense of the importance of community.
More than a third of people (36%) believe that a crisis like coronavirus brings out the best in people.
But, as reassuring as it is to think about the positive elements of human nature that we have seen throughout this crisis, this isn’t the whole story.
Lockdown has turned loads of people into judgmental snitches. Tweeting photos and videos, shaming people as ‘selfish’, usually without having any idea of the individual circumstances of the people allegedly flouting the rules.
So, what is the truth? Is the clapping and the rainbows and the banging of the pots merely an empty, performative gesture?
A lot of this judgment stems from fear and anxiety, a frustration at seeming injustices – which is understandable, but not really in the spirit of kindness.
Fear can cause people to act unkindly, selfishly – out of a desire to protect themselves and their loved ones. And we have seen a lot of that too.
Beyond that, the world does not seem like a kind place for Black people right now.
A Black woman died of coronavirus after being spat at while she was trying to do her job.
Thousands of protesters have been forced to take to the streets to fight for the right to exist and to demand justice against police brutality and systemic racism. While we have seen incredible support and solidarity for Black lives, the fact that this has to happen during a global pandemic is not indicative of a particularly ‘kind’ world.
So, what is the truth? Is the clapping and the rainbows and the banging of the pots merely an empty, performative gesture?
The global crisis has undeniably brought out the best in so many people. But when you scratch the surface, you quickly realise that this pandemic has actually laid bare some of the darkest, most unpleasant elements of human nature.
Could coronavirus make us nicer people?
Psychologist Dr Roberta Babb says that in times of struggle, crisis and hardship bring out both the best and the worst in us – which means this dichotomous reaction makes perfect sense.
‘The coronavirus pandemic is the first time in the history of most people’s memories that we have gone through something so devastating together as a global community,’ Dr Roberta tells Metro.co.uk.
‘This shared traumatic experience has forced us to face our own moral values, our vulnerabilities, feelings of helplessness and mortality.’
She says that in the past, we may have tried to protect ourselves these painful experiences through self-interest, materialism, consumerism and fast-paced lives – but none of these strategies can protect us from coronavirus, so we are having to use a different approach.
‘Coronavirus has also enabled many people to take the time and space to evaluate their relationship with the world, people, themselves, and what is really important,’ she adds. ‘This has enabled people to take new perspectives on life which focus on meaning and experiences over materials.’
She says these new perspectives can include an appreciation of others, the interdependence we have on each other, and the fact that we cannot survive on our own.
‘This sense of interconnectedness has helped to strengthen our sense of our humanity and need for social and collective responsibility,’ she adds.
Living through a personal crisis can lead to post-traumatic stress, but Dr Roberta says it can also trigger a post-traumatic growth response. Meaning living through a traumatic event can actually make you a better person.
A family claps in support of NHS and key workers (Picture: Getty)
‘The collective pandemic experience has led to some people becoming “Covid-Kind”,’ she explains. ‘They are more caring, compassionate, empathetic, and interested (inwardly and outwardly) in the welfare of others.
‘This also extends to behavioural acts of kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity.
‘Coronavirus challenges the core of the human experience, and there is a strong personal identification with others within the pandemic experience. This can nurture greater levels of emotional intelligence and empathy within people.’
David Jamilly is the founder and CEO of Kindness UK, a not-for-profit organisation which promotes kindness in all aspects of life. He believes kindness has been a crucial response to the global crisis, and that it is here to stay.
‘Kindness has proven to be a life-saver for many during this period and without kindness there would without a shadow of doubt have been much greater incidences of mental stress,’ David tells Metro.co.uk.
This shared traumatic experience has forced us to face our own moral values, our vulnerabilities, feelings of helplessness and mortality.
‘By it’s nature, kindness is always present in all of us, but rather like a snow globe, it needs refreshing from time to time to remind us.’
David says that much more ‘local’ kindness than ‘global’ kindness, and he says this is encouraging because it creates a sense of community and is more likely to continue when the crisis if over.
‘It is through community initiatives that kindness can have greatest long term effect as it becomes part our day to day life,’ says David. ‘A bottom-upwards approach.’
‘The demonstration of global kindness during this once-in-a-lifetime catastrophe has the power to be a game-changer for how we all conduct ourselves.’
David says that when people have more time, like in lockdown, there’s more chance of positive values and kindness coming to the surface and being activated.
‘Conversely, when people are under time, performance and financial pressure positive values like kindness are less likely to be prevalent,’ he says.
This suggests that when life goes back to normal, we could all revert to our selfish, individual ways – our new-found values of kindness could go out the window.
Will we be able to keep caring for each other, keep appreciating each other, when the stresses of normal life return?
Will coronavirus kindness last beyond the pandemic?
We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but we are all bracing ourselves for a new version of normal.
In many ways, life may never look the same as it once did. Of course, that’s a scary thought, but there are potential positives in that as well.
If the world is different, maybe we will be able to forge a new, kinder way of being. Maybe, in the new normal, there will be more space for compassion, empathy and selflessness.
‘A large part of the UK and global management strategy of coronavirus has been based on social responsibility – like imploring people to stay home to save lives,’ says Dr Roberta.
‘Social responsibility suggests that individuals are accountable for fulfilling their civic duty. As such, the actions of an individual must benefit the whole of society. The utilisation of social responsibility coupled with the experience of coronavirus-related personal traumas have been instrumental in shaping our social conscience.’
Behaviour can revert back to individual focus, rather than societal focus, when the immediate danger has passed.
Whether this effect has the potential to be long-lasting depends, Dr Roberta says, on the balance between the welfare of society, the welfare of the individual, the economy and the environment.
‘If this equilibrium is maintained, then social responsibility is accomplished and changes that have been implemented are likely to be sustained,’ says Dr Roberta. ‘However, there also has to be an understanding, acceptance and internalisation (a personal ownership) of the change for it to be incorporated in to the new normal.
‘Attempts to address the anxieties and concerns which may be underpinning behavioural changes have to be made.’
Dr Roberta says that when we change our behaviour because of fear or anxiety, these changes are generally not sustainable and won’t last.
‘When the anxieties are allayed, behavioural changes tend to revert back to pre-issue status,’ she explains. ‘They can revert back to individually focused ones, rather than societal focused ones, as the immediate danger/threat to one’s life has passed.
‘However, when traumatic events occur (such as a pandemic), the impact can be so significant that the behaviour changes seen do not disappear.’
This is a positive sign. Dr Roberta is saying that the trauma from coronavirus has been so monumental, and so widespread, that the kindness and increased empathy may have become embedded into our collective psyche.
‘In response to Coronavirus we have surprised ourselves at how well we have been able to change, and live and work in new ways that three months ago would have been unheard of,’ she adds.
‘Many of the behavioural and attitudinal changes we have implemented and experienced during coronavirus will be kept.
‘We have been primed to be hyper-vigilant to coronavirus, and the management message being changed from a “react and contain” position to one of prevention, supports this.
‘This shift also helps us to feel more in control of the pandemic and its effects. As we enter the “Adjustment Stage” of the pandemic we continue to monitor the coronavirus situation and prepare to ease out of the lockdown period.
‘A strong and pervasive sense that the world is fundamentally unpredictable is apparent. Life feels more fragile than it once did.’
Could the pandemic increase divisions and make us worse?
In some ways this situation has brought people together in a collective struggle, but it is also clear that the global crisis is driving people apart.
Activists are warning that the impacts of the pandemic will deepen racial divides and worsen inequality in society. There are fears that it is the most vulnerable, marginalised groups who will be hardest hit by this crisis and take the longest time to recover.
Just as the kindness triggered by this pandemic could become embedded in society, so too could this negativity. There is the possibility that the divisions created by coronavirus could linger well beyond the peak of the crisis.
‘The pandemic has had negative effects and polarised sections of society,’ says Dr Roberta.
Thousands have protested in the streets and in their own homes in support of Black Lives Matter (Picture: Getty)
‘There is a level of mistrust and anxiety about the management of the pandemic that has unfortunately divided the nation. It is clear that if the balance between the welfare of society, the welfare of the individual and the economy is off, instances of discrimination, inequality and financial instability can be exacerbated.
‘As a result, we may see a re-emergence of individual or self-interest focused behaviours through choice and obligation and a return to some “pre-coronavirus” ways of being.’
Dr Roberta says it is important not to idealise life before coronavirus. She says we had problems before the pandemic and we will have problems again – but now we have a rare opportunity for progress on our hands.
‘As time progresses, we will gain a deeper understanding of the constructive and destructive long-term effects of the pandemic and its management,’ she says.
‘We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to effect fundamental change which benefits all levels of society.
‘It is hoped that we can embody the idea that we are more powerful when we look out for, look after and empower each other, and that this can become a foundational element in the development of the new normal going forward.’
As Dr Roberta says – this is an opportunity for change.
One of the hardest thing about the pandemic is our lack of control. It’s scary to feel as though we can’t protect our loved ones, that we can’t protect the financial security of our family, that our future is somewhat out of hands.
But one thing we can control is how we respond to the events that happen to us.
Kindness is a choice – and something that we are all capable of prioritising in our lives.
Do you believe the pandemic will have a positive impact on society in the long-term?
After months of strict lockdown measures, isolation and anxiety - we're beginning to look to the future.
What will life look like when we emerge into our new normal?
Can things ever be the same as they were? Do we even want them to be the same?
What Comes Next is our series of in-depth features unpicking the possibilities for the future.
Every day for two weeks, we will look at the future of work, dating, mental health, friendships, money, travel, and all the other elements that make up our existence.
Our lives have been turned upside down, but change doesn't always have to be a bad thing.
Oliver and Melody met as they practised their language skills as teenagers (Picture: PA Real Life)
Back in 2012, Oliver Hodkingson had just finised sixth form and he decided to pick up a new language.
Initially trying Arabic, he thought it was too hard and switched to Spanish on language learning site Busuu.
The site matches students across the world who speak different languages to help them practice.
One of the people he matched with was Melody Gudiel Torres, who lived 5,000 miles away in Guatemala City, Central America.
She was at university and teaching primary school kids but wanted to brush up on her English.
The pair were brought together by chance but after speaking they felt a connection and fell in love.
Despite the distance, they made their relationship work and went on to marry in 2015, with Oliver moving to Guatemala, before moving back to the UK with his wife in July 2019.
Oliver, now 26, of Blackpool, Lancashire, said: ‘I do feel like fate brought us together.
‘If I’d carried on studying Arabic and hadn’t switched to Spanish, I might never have met Melody, which I don’t really want to think about. I’m convinced it was meant to be.’
Finding a relationship had been the last thing on either of their minds when they had signed up to Busuu – then a language learning website and now also an app.
Totally focused on her career back then, Melody said: ‘I’d always loved languages and I was teaching primary school children how to speak English and wanted to practice, so I would be better at my job.’
Melody admits that when she saw Oliver’s face, he stood out.
‘I was like, “Oh, well he’s nice to look at”, I quite fancy speaking with him,'” she said.
‘But, at the time I didn’t know that Oliver’s Spanish was pretty awful, so it was difficult to communicate.’
Still, he was determined to impress Melody.
He said: ‘I tried to show off, as I knew the Spanish for colours and the months of the year, but I couldn’t quite hold a conversation.’
They would send voice notes to each other in their native tongues and the recipient would have to use Google translate to understand what they said.
The method helped to improve their skills and Oliver is now a Spanish teacher.
He said: ‘For some reason we just clicked, I don’t know why. It’s easy to get bored of someone who’s on the other side of the world sending you long messages that you have to translate into your own language – but we never did.’
After months of exchanges, Melody – who also speaks some Italian – realised she had fallen for Oliver but feared the distance between them made a relationship impossible.
She said: ‘I really liked him, but it just felt like a hopeless dream, because he was so far away. I never believed it would work.’
She decided to send a recorded message in Italian telling him her feelings but Oliver thought it was still Spanish and couldn’t translate it and was too embarrassed to tell her.
Caption: Ollie and Melody Hodgkinson (Picture: Collect/ PA Real Life)
‘Melody was very sneaky about it,’ he laughed. ‘I just assumed my Spanish wasn’t as good as I thought it was and I didn’t want to tell her I had no idea what she’d said so I just left it.’
But soon after, in September, he, too, confessed his feelings to her in a video call.
Still only 18, without a serious girlfriend to date and despite never having met Melody, he insisted that she was ‘The One.’
‘My parents thought I was mad, but I didn’t care. I was so naive, I was adamant it would work,” he said.
‘I just had the attitude of, ‘So what we live so far apart? So what about the cultural differences? We can deal with that,’ he said.
Brought up a strict Christian, Melody had kept Oliver secret from her family and felt more apprehensive.
In April 2013, Oliver applied for a one-month role in Guatemala, teaching English to children, and Melody met him at the airport.
Oliver said: ‘It was so weird seeing someone from the internet in person for the first time.
‘We’d never spoken about how tall we were. I’m 5ft 9, but even still, for a second I panicked that she’d be taller than me but, thankfully, she wasn’t. She was perfect.’
Melody was busy studying Italian at university and teaching English during the week, so they could only meet at weekends – and her family still did not know that Oliver existed.
Finally summoning the courage to tell her father that an English man had come to Guatemala to be with her and that they planned to marry, she said: ‘It was such a shock for him.
Ollie and Melody on their wedding day (Picture: Collect/ PA Real Life)
‘I’d never even had a boyfriend before, but I explained what Oliver had done and how he had travelled all this way just to see me, so my father realised how much he cared for me.’
After going home, he saved from his barista job to return again for a holiday in April 2014 and told her he wanted to move there.
Melody’s father believed him and said the couple could build a house on the family land.
So, on returning home, Oliver saved £15,000 from his job, returning to Guatemala for good in 2015, with an engagement ring.
Proposing during a romantic night in, Melody accepted, and they went on to build their house.
Married in December 2015 in a traditional Christian ceremony in Guatemala, Oliver’s parents could not attend, but financed a trip to England for the couple, so they could finally meet their daughter-in-law, who they now adore.
And, feeling the pinch financially, in July 2019 the couple returned to England – although they hope to retire to Guatemala.
Melody said: ‘It’s like a dream come true finding Oliver. One day we’d love to settle down and have children.
‘But we just want a humble, simple life – we’re so happy and content at just having found each other.’
Parents say lockdown is impacting their baby name choices (Picture: Getty Images)
Lockdown has had a huge impact on most aspects of our lives – right down to the names parents are choosing for their kids.
A survey by channelmum.com looked at current trends and found that 43% of parents believe the pandemic will alter the way UK babies are named, with 7% saying they’ve already changed their mind on a name because of the current situation.
Three in five of the 1300 parents polled said names like Corah, Corina, Rona, Lockie and Lochlan will slide off the name charts because they remind parents of coronavirus and lockdown.
But names that are becoming more popular include ‘virtue names’ like Faith, Hope, Charity, Patience and Constance.
With rainbows becoming a symbol of support for the NHS, over half of parents said they would like a name around that theme, such as Iris, which means Rainbow in Greek, as well as Indigo and Blue.
Other popular choices right now included gender-neutral names like Hero, Avery and Bravery, as well as Maverick for boys.
Parents liked the idea of Florence for girls, linking it to Florence Nightingale and the hospitals that have been named after her during the crisis.
Happy names such as Bliss, Joy, Blythe and Felicity for girls, and Pax and Sol for boys were also liked by parents.
One in ten even believes Wickes or Wix could be used as a baby name after school PE fitness video hero Joe Wicks, while the name Joe – currently ranked 316th – could rise through the name charts again.
ChannelMum.com baby name expert SJ Strum said: ‘Baby names reflect changing times and never more so than when the world is facing a catastrophe.
‘The current crisis means parents are understandably stressed and anxious, so are using new-born’s names to celebrate new life and joy. Positive names are a wonderful way to keep focusing on the future and means that the child knows their name has real meaning.’
With kids spending a lot of time at home, it’s important to have different activities to keep them entertained.
Thankfully, Aldi has brought out a brilliant garden product – which is perfect for when the sun decides to rear its head again.
The high street retailer has launched a children’s nest swing, which resembles a giant green saucer.
Suitable for children aged three and above, the swing comes in at just over a metre in width and the height can be adjusted from 105cm to 180cm.
The Aldi website nods to the versatile nature of the swing, stating it can be used for ‘sitting or lying.’
It’s also easy to assemble, with just three parts to get to grips with – a nest seat, two rope sets and four foam tubes (and an instruction manual, of course.)
Priced at £29.99, the swing is available to pre-order on the Aldi website now and delivery is free because it’s over £20. The swing will hit stores on Thursday 11 June.
It’s also worth pointing out that the product requires 4m² of free space – in order for the swing to fulfil its high-flying potential.
But Aldi isn’t the only high street retailer with treats for little ones.
Some standout products set to feature in the sale include the Chicco Next2Me side-sleeping crib with a removable and adjustable side, a range of Tommee Tippee items (such as the free flow super sipper bottles, free flow first cups and easy scoop feeding bowls) and a My Babiie compact stroller.
This was the moment the bride realised her late grandma was singing (Picture: Mercury Press)
A bride was moved to tears after her doting groom surprised her with a 70-year-old recording of her late gran singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
Chelsey Mahlke, 33, from Las Vegas, had no idea that her now-husband, Darin, 43, planned to interrupt the ceremony with a long lost recording of her gran, Janiece Bellanger.
The bride burst out in tears as the recording of her grandma, who was her best friend, singing the Judy Garland hit back in 1947 played during the first dance.
Janiece, who had five children and four grandchildren, made the recording from her bedroom when she was 14 years old.
The beloved grandmother sadly passed away back in 2005, aged 71.
Unfortunately, medical device manager Darin never got to meet Janiece but when he found the old record in Chelsey’s belongings, he had it transferred to MP3 form and sent it to the DJ.
The surprise went down well with Chelsey and her family who also didn’t know the recording would be played.
Groom Darin found the old recording and turned it into an MP3 (Picture: Susie and Will Photography/Mercu)
Cattle rancher Chelsey, said: ‘It was a complete shock.
‘We had our first dance planned for later on but when we walked in, the wedding planner handed Darin the microphone.
‘I had no idea what was going on. The only people who knew were the wedding planner and the DJ.
‘None of my family knew so it was a big surprise for them and everyone was crying.’
Chelsey says having a bit of her grandma during the ceremony made it the perfect day.
‘My grandma was my best friend. I was her first grandchild, her name is my middle name,’ she said.
‘I would have loved for her to see me get married.
‘There was a void throughout the entire day.’
Grandma Janiece in her youth (Picture: Mercury Press)
The pair married in 2018 in a lavish outdoor ceremony with 150 of their friends and family in their hometown of Las Vegas.
Chelsey said: ‘We had a memory table for people who couldn’t be there and I had a locket with a picture of my gran tied around my bouquet but hearing her voice was so special, it made me feel like she was there with me.
‘She loved music, music was her life and she was a great singer but she was really humble about it.
‘She never played music for anyone and was very specific about who she played to but she lived to play the piano and sing.’
The pair were best friends (Picture: Mercury Press)
The newlyweds met in 2014 and Darin proposed on Chelsey’s cattle ranch on July 4, three years ago.
Chelsey said: ‘There’s a tree on my cattle ranch that’s special to us because we carved our initials into it so its our special spot.
‘It was July 4 and he said we should film a video for family saying happy 4th of July so we set up the tripod and when I turned around he was on one knee.
‘I wish they’d got to meet, [my grandma] would have loved him.’
When I first met my partner, *James, he was the last person I thought would ever hurt me (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
The World Health Organisation has warned that the stress and anxiety of lockdown has led to a rise in the number of women experiencing abuse at home – I am one of them.
I’m useless, crazy, pathetic. I’m a bad mother, a piece of sh*t, a manipulative, twisted person. Nobody can stand to be around me. These are just a handful of the things I get called on a regular basis by the man who is meant to love me.
He also tells me that the only reason he sticks around is because he’s ‘kind’, and that I’m about as much use to him as a piece of cardboard. This man is meant to be my best friend – and there are rare moments when it feels like he is – but mostly, he is my abuser.
For most people, the word abuser conjures up images of a nasty, disagreeable, angry person who uses violence and physical intimidation to get what he or she wants. But most aren’t like that at all. They can be funny, charming, and kind, to the outside world. But it’s all an act to prevent their true selves emerging in front of closed doors.
Not all abuse is physical either. Name calling, belittling, yelling, patronising, threatening, ridiculing, gaslighting – terms I’ve now sadly become all too familiar with – are all forms of emotional abuse. And they can be just as soul-destroying as a punch in the gut.
It wasn’t always like this. When I first met my partner, *James, he was the last person I thought would ever hurt me.
He was sweet and incredibly attentive, and would do anything to make me happy. My friends all envied the ‘perfect’ relationship that we had. I realise now that it was all a big act, a ruse to win me over.
Perhaps he thought I had deliberately trapped him when I found out I was pregnant just over a year after we first met, and his anger and resentment gradually built up to the point where he could no longer contain it. But I hadn’t – I wasn’t even sure I wanted to have a baby with him, because I already had suspicions that there was a Mr. Hyde lurking behind his Dr. Jekyll.
There had been a couple of occasions when he’d got into a sulk over nothing, made fun of me in front of strangers with comments he labelled as ‘jokes’, or lost his temper and lashed out, calling me a ‘piece of sh*t’. That eventually became his favourite insult.
But he was still mostly loving throughout my pregnancy, so I reasoned that we would be okay, and we moved in together. After our daughter was born, I found out that he had been saying horrible things about me to his family and even some of my friends behind my back, including that I was a lazy mother – which wasn’t true.
I’d had a very tough labour and almost lost my life after an emergency C-section. I wasn’t lazy, I was recovering from major surgery. I was still breastfeeding, looking after our baby alone at home while juggling work as and when I could (because he still expected me to pay half of the rent and bills regardless) and I did all of the housework and cooking too.
I was so upset by his comments that we broke up for a short time. He begged me to take him back and promised that he would never hurt me again. But of course, he did.
The abuse escalated after we moved into a new flat together. Our baby was only a few months old and the night we moved all of our belongings in, he told me that he’d had enough and was leaving. I was stunned. He had moved me miles away from all of my friends, to a place where I knew nobody and had no support, all so he could be nearer to his own family.
I remember begging him not to leave us. I look back on that memory with shame now – that I had gone from being a strong, independent woman to somebody who needed a man who clearly didn’t love her. I’m also certain he smirked when I pleaded with him.
The next day I turned up at my old flat to finish cleaning it for the new tenants to find him already there wiping the walls because he ‘wanted to help’. I now know that this is typical behaviour of an emotional abuser – changing the goal posts so you don’t know where you are with them, or who you are anymore.
I gradually lost my sense of identity as our daughter grew into a beautiful toddler. Everything I did at home was wrong. If I made us a meal, the meat wasn’t cooked well enough. If I turned a light on in a room, he’d immediately follow me in and turn it off. If I ran a bath, he would check that it was only half-full and monitor the taps to make sure.
I gave in to his demands to make my life easier, but I felt miserable and powerless.
I thought about leaving often, but had no place to go to, no family to stay with, and no money to survive on as all my wages from my part-time marketing job went on nursery fees.
Years of nasty comments from James had also affected my confidence, and I no longer had the courage to go out and make friends or meet anyone. I felt trapped, but at least when James was at work or playing sports, I got some respite – however, that all changed during lockdown.
I spent most of the time hiding in my bedroom. Coupled with the stress of worrying about coronavirus, being stuck indoors almost 24/7, and in a small space where we couldn’t escape each other, the abuse became unbearable.
James began losing his temper every few days. Normally I’d stay quiet, but now, with no escape, I began fighting back.
I told him that he was being abusive and asked him to stop, but it didn’t help. He started physically shoving me and cornering me against the door while spitting venom in my face.
There were some good moments, like when he would try to be nice again and we’d sit and watch the news together, tutting at the tragedy of all the people who had lost their lives to Covid-19 while telling ourselves that we were the lucky ones. We laughed together, had lovely days out in the park, and danced around the kitchen singing songs.
In these moments, I told myself that maybe he would return to the old James he’d been when we’d first met. But the nice days would always pass.
They were replaced by a demeanour that made me convinced he hated me, and that made me hate myself, as I’d been so ground down by the abuse that I couldn’t help but see myself in the same disdainful way he did.
In lockdown, there has been no relief for me. When I look in the mirror, I see a shadow of the person I used to be – a weak, useless woman who has nothing to offer to anyone. I don’t recognise or like her.
The only thing that makes up for it is when my little girl puts her arms around my neck and tells me she loves me more than anything in the universe. That’s when I remind myself that I’m sacrificing my own happiness for hers – for now.
And that one day, maybe post-lockdown, I’ll be brave enough to leave.
Names have been changed.
Do you have a story that you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing claie.wilson@metro.co.uk.
More than one third of people are most eager to see their families again – without a screen (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
As we continue through the hell that is lockdown, people hold onto the hope that life will return back to normal soon (even if it’s unclear what that ‘normal’ will look like).
We need to remind ourselves that this is a temporary situation and that all those things we miss – standing within two metres of others, touching and being able to enjoy our lives without fear of an invisible virus – will return to us eventually.
According to new research by Money.co.uk, more than a third of us are making plans to see our families (35%), while 19% are itching for a meal or drink at their favourite restaurant or pub and 11% want to have a BBQ or party with their mates.
What’s more, 10% are eager to return to the gym and the beauty salon, with it being their top priority.
With these results in mind, we decided to ask people to share what they are most looking forward to when lockdown ends.
As you can probably imagine, there’s a lot of hugging and pub drinks, while sex – which is currently illegal to have with someone from a different household – is surprisingly low on the list or priorities.
What are you most looking forward to after lockdown?
Many people can’t wait to hug their loved ones (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
‘Definitely seeing my family and friends. I’m based in Brighton and most of the people I know either live in London or close to London. I’ve felt completely cut off. But also….I can’t wait for a pint of Blue Moon!‘
‘The answer is: human contact. In any form. Hugging family and friends, seeing friends with benefits guy.
‘It’s turning out to be the hardest part of all this (family challenges aside), not even touching another person. I live with flatmates but we don’t hug. I also wonder if people will be too scared to touch others even when they can? Just part of the mental health epidemic we’re in as well as the pandemic. ‘
‘I’m really excited to be able to get the train into London or Eurostar to Paris. Basically trains.’
‘Travelling. If lockdown has taught me anything it’s not to take the freedom to wander for granted and push back plans because of fake “what ifs”.
‘Also, pubs/bars, arranging to meet mates/dates, chatting s***, meeting random people, and generally not seeing the same few faces.‘
‘Being able to have a more varied routine, go camping, and spend time with family and friends – in the house and outside!‘
‘Go to a really nice restaurant and eat all the food and obviously, get my damn hair cut.’
‘I want to get lit at the club and get a dirty kebab and a night bus home at 3am please. My freakum dresses are being neglected, I am wasting my prime. And I miss spin class and the cinema, too.’
‘The thing that I’m most looking forward to when lockdown ends is dating! I broke up with my boyfriend of five years in January, and was crashing on a friend’s sofa until I officially moved out of the flat that we lived in a week before lockdown started. While I’ve been speaking to a few people, I haven’t had a chance to fully enjoy my new-found freedom!’
‘I’m looking forward to seeing friends without all of us behaving like we’ve got leprosy.’
‘I had gotten into the habit of staying in a little more before lockdown, but when it’s over I think I’ll be going out more than ever. I can’t wait to go on nights out again and spend hours dancing with my friends.
‘I’m also really excited to go on holiday with my boyfriend again – we live apart so lockdown has been tough, but I can’t wait to splash out on a trip with him. I’m definitely ready to blow a lot of money on it, it feels like it’s been a long time coming.’
‘Being able to have a more varied routine, go camping, and spend time with family and friends – in the house and outside!’
I’ve thought about this a lot (haven’t we all?) and apart from seeing family – who I’ve kept in touch with a lot by FaceTime etc. – the thing I’m most looking forward to is a drink in the pub. Not a massive session, just being able to pop to my local for a glass of wine.’
‘Seeing my niece and nephew – I miss them desperately and am an ‘online aunty’ right now!’
‘I’m looking forward to having sex not via video chat once lockdown is over! I miss the intimacy! ‘
‘I want to have a proper drink in a proper bar, and a nice one. I actually miss spending a month’s wages on a cocktail! I am never saying no to plans ever again.
‘I am also really looking forward to getting on that first plane journey for a weekend away. I don’t think I will ever have such a big sigh of relief moment than getting on that first plane.‘
Nando’s is reopening more branches (Picture: Getty Images)
Nando’s is opening another 61 stores today – bringing the total to 216.
Last year, there were around 400 stores in the UK so about half have now reopened in some form.
As all stores are open for delivery or click and collect only, they’re making it a little cheaper to eat with them by getting rid of delivery and service fees from today.
If you are lucky enough to be close to an open store, you need to order from the Nando’s website (rather than through a delivery app) to get the offer.
The deal is available at all restaurants in the UK and Northern Ireland and in the Republic of Ireland.
The usual menu has been reduced slightly to allow staff to socially distance in the kitchen as they prepare the food so you might need to be a little more flexible with your favourites.
You’ll also be able to earn chillies from the Nando’s loyalty scheme through the website and you can use them to redeem free food when branches reopen for dine-in.
Nando’s initially closed all stores when the UK lockdown was introduced in March but it has been slowly reopening stores since April.
Food is being prepared and delivered under strict UK government guidelines, to ensure restaurant teams, delivery drivers and customers are safe.
Drivers are being instructed to maintain social distancing when waiting to pick up orders, restaurant staff hand over food whilst maintaining social distancing, and contactless delivery are available upon request.
You can check out the list of all the restaurants that have now reopened here.
Vegetarian and vegan treats for everyone (Picture: Pret A Manger)
Vegetarians and vegans assemble, Veggie Pret is back.
Pret A Manger has just announced that the sites will reopen later this week.
What’s more, for the first time ever, you can now order Veggie Pret on Deliveroo, which is great news for plant-based food lovers who are currently self-isolating or unable to leave their house due to being in the vulnerable category.
All 10 sites will open in London and Manchester on Thursday 11 June.
If you’d rather pop in to pick up your snack, you can do, but it’s takeaway only and there will be social distancing measures in place.
There will also be a reduced menu, but bestsellers such as the Vegan Eggless Mayo & Cress baguette, Vegan Chuna Mayo and the VLT are still available.
‘We are excited to be reopening all 10 of our Veggie Pret shops this week,’ said Clare Clough, UK managing director of Pret A Manger.
‘We know that many of our customers are working from home and missing their plant-based favourites, so partnering with Deliveroo means that more customers can access our extensive veggie and vegan menu.
‘I want to thank the amazing teams who are re-opening our Veggie Pret shops – we couldn’t do it without your support.’
Regular Pret will also reopen more shops this week, including the site in King’s Cross, Manchester Piccadilly and Leeds.
From 15 June, when non-essential retailers are expected to be allowed to open, the chain’s sites located in shopping centres will also open their doors once again.
The reduced menu offered at Veggie Pret
Hot Breakfast – Porridge & Topping, Mozzarella & Tomato Croissant
Breakfast Baguettes – Eggless Mayo & Roasted, Eggless Mayo & Avocado
Hot Food – Falafel & Halloumi Wrap, Vegan Ragu & Red Peppers Wrap, Butternut & Cauliflower Gratin
Protein Box – Tamari & Ginger Mushroom, Spicy Marinated Tofu
Salad Box – Falafel Mezze, Mexican-inspired
Snacks include (but are not limited to) a selection of crisps, popcorn, fruit salads, Chocolate Brownie Bar, Pret LOVEs Heroes Bar and Hazelnut Truffe.
Bakery – croissants and cookies (now including the Very Berry Croissant and Dark Chocolate & Almond Butter Cookie)
Heat at Home – Mac & Cheese Kale, Mushroom Risotto Soup, Pea & Mint Soup
Mum Kyla took her children to a peaceful protest in Virginia (Picture: Kyla Carlos)
Black women in the UK are five times more likely to die in childbirth than white women.
It’s due to several reasons, including racism in healthcare that perceives Black women as having higher pain thresholds meanwhile taking their health concerns less seriously.
One woman wanted to raise awareness for Black mums during peaceful demonstrations, as well as protesting the murder of George Floyd.
Entrepreneur and doula Kyla Carlos attended a George Floyd protest in Virginia, U.S, over the weekend with her children.
In a powerful image, the mum-of-four was pictured breastfeeding her newborn son while holding up a power fist.
Her cousin snapped the picture of Kyla breastfeeding without a cover which has now gone viral.
With her young children in tow, Kyla wanted to show that she wasn’t going to cover up something so natural, while also teaching them the power of showing up to protests.
Kyla is also a doula and lactation advocate (Picture: Kyla Carlos)
Kyla, who is also a lactation advocate, says she never covered up while breastfeeding any of her children.
‘I breastfeed my eldest for three years uncovered and did the same with the others,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.
‘I’m aware of the adversities black women face during pregnancy, labour and postpartum.
‘Breastfeeding uncovered is my normal and if someone is uncomfortable that’s their problem.’
Kyla says that it was important to take her children to the protests, the oldest of whom is 12.
As it was the eldest daughter’s first protest, Kyla took the opportunity to teach her about systemic racism and police brutality.
The mum-of-four says she never covers up while breastfeeding (Picture: Kyla Carlos)
The devoted mum asked her children what they knew about injustice towards Black people, which she used as a starting point to educate her kids.
She adds: ‘Attending the protest was important to me so my voice could be heard and it was important my oldest attend as well for educational purposes.
‘My younger children don’t understand but I will have a story to tell them once they’re older.
She wants her children to understand the plight of Black people and show up to protest injustice (Picture: Kyla Carlos)
‘It was a peaceful protest with no police present.’
The image of Kyle breastfeeding at the protest was liked more than 3,000 times with fans creating artwork of it.
Kyla adds: ‘There’s so much work to do, keep marching, keep signing petitions, keep donating money and items, keep praying, keep calling/texting/email. KEEP MOVING FORWARD! We must continue our fight for change!’
It’s more important than ever for Black people to take care of their mental health (Picture: Getty)
The emotional and psychological burden of witnessing and experiencing racism, and fighting for justice during a pandemic is weighing heavily on Black people right now.
It is vital that Black people look after their mental health as they are at risk of burnout, fatigue, anxiety and depression because of global events.
Studies have highlighted the benefits of ethnic minorities seeking mental health treatment from a therapist or councilor of the same race, because of the need to deeply understand cultural contexts. But this is difficult both because of a lack of diversity in the profession, and the inaccessibility of mental health resources for minority communities.
So, we have pulled together a list of some of the most useful resources available – specifically for Black communities. Because there has never been a more important time to look after your psychological well-being as a Black person.
They work together to reduce the inequality and injustices experienced by Black people in mental health services.
They address the barriers which lead to poorer outcomes across a range of social factors, such as education, employment, housing, and so on, all of which may negatively impact your health and well-being.
The UK’s largest independent organisation specialises in working psychologically, with people who identify as Black, African, South Asian and Caribbean.
Their aim is to address the inequality of access to appropriate psychological services for Black people, which is a well-recognised reality.
Their website provides a list of local and free resources and services for people of minority background who are seeking help.
This group is working to make mental health topics relevant and accessible for all black people in the U.K.
They aim to fulfil this by connecting black individuals and families with professional mental health services across the U.K – and they have created a fund to do just that.
The site lists Black therapists and encourages people to get in touch in order to understand how finding the right therapist could be so beneficial.
This Instagram account founded by Dr. Joy Harden Bradford has more than 324,000 followers and provides a wealth a fantastic resources, news and tips specifically for Black women.
On the website you can find therapists of colour to connect with, or simply read up on materials that teach resilience and strategies. They also have their own podcast.
Rest for Resistance is a trans-led organisation that aims to empower LGBTQIA+ people of colour.
The US-based platform aims to be a safe online space that promotes meditation as an act of resistance, and features art, writing, and a directory of intersectional mental-health resources.
Another US-based resource, Melanin and Mental Health aims to connect Black people to the right therapists, but in the UK you can make use of other resources on the site.
They host the ‘Between Sessions’ podcast featuring Black therapists talking about topics including how to support your friends and how to be productive during a pandemic.
The last couple of weeks have felt different. There is a new energy in the air. An energy that makes me – tentatively – hopeful.
Since the brutal killing of George Floyd at the hands of a police officer in the US, we have seen a global response on a scale I have never witnessed in my lifetime.
Black Lives Matter protests hit the streets in every American state, before spilling out across the world. In London, thousands marched to the US embassy to make their voices heard. In Bristol, protesters pulled a statue of a 17th Century slave trader to the ground and tossed him in the river.
But now, the hard work really begins. In order for this moment to truly signal the starting point for real change, there needs to be a commitment to doing the work on a long-term scale. Not just for the duration of the latest news cycle.
Yes, there has been performative solidarity, tokenistic support, misjudged social media symbolism – but there has also been real, meaningful messaging shared on global platforms. We’ve seen corporate statements that called for the ‘dismantling of white supremacy’ and the other officers involved in George Floyd’s death are facing charges thanks to the scale of public pressure.
I have never seen so many people engaged in the issue of racial injustice. After writing about the protests and the need for white people to speak out against racism, I was inundated with messages from strangers, old colleagues, people I haven’t seen since school, friends who have never before even mentioned race to me.
It would be naive to confuse social media noise with lasting, societal change, but in the messages I received there was a clear willingness to listen, to learn, to understand, to be better, to contribute. And it felt, for the first time, deeper than a hashtag.
I say that I am tentatively hopeful because it is always a precarious position to have to hope that your life will continue to be considered valuable enough to fight for.
But the fervour around the Black Lives Matter movement will die down again. Because it has to. Because that is how the world works. The protests will stop. The news cameras will find something else to film. The earnest social media posts will dwindle. And this is what makes this moment so terrifying.
To witness the pain of your lived experiences – the horrific realities of systemic racism, injustice and police brutality – blow up like the latest social media trend, only to die down again and be forgotten, is traumatic. And we have been there before.
This time has to be different.
Being anti-racist isn’t your next TikTok challenge. It can’t be a fleeting trend that pops up on your Instagram account, only to be replaced by your usual selfies and pictures of brunch. What we need is for this energy – this empowering, galvanizing energy that has swept the world over the last week – to endure, to embed itself into the global psyche.
It would be naive to confuse social media noise with lasting, societal change (Picture: Getty)
To do that, we have to push back against empathy fatigue – the exhaustion and desensitisation that comes with the over-exposure to images of pain.
Black psychologist Dr Roberta Babb told me that empathy fatigue is a significant reason why social justice causes can ‘wax and wane’ in their activity – and that this phenomenon could pose a threat to the continuation and success of the Black Lives Matter movement.
‘We can only be emotionally responsive to a specific amount of pain and trauma at any one time,’ explains Dr Roberta.
‘People can also become exhausted by the relentlessness of lots of different sources of distress being experienced at the same time. This can contribute to people becoming apathetic about the social justice cause, or avoiding or reducing their involvement in the cause as a way to protect themselves, or because the cause has less meaning or significance for them.’
But being exhausted isn’t a good enough excuse to turn away from this cause. Black people are exhausted. And we have been exhausted thanks to centuries of violent racism, systemic inequalities and relentless silence from the people around us.
When Black people get fatigued by the trauma of violent images, we might take a break from social media, or filter what we’re watching on the news for a few days – but we always have to come back to the realities of living under systems that were built on white supremacy.
We need the people who have benefited from these systems – white people – to show up for us now, and maintain this newfound commitment to anti-racism even when the hashtags fade and the spotlight turns away. Because no matter how exhausted you are by this cause, Black people are more exhausted.
How can you do that? Dr Roberta says it’s vital to keep the conversations about anti-blackness, anti-racism and whiteness alive, and with a diverse range of people.
‘Keep reading about the history and narratives of Black people (both painful and empowering),’ she adds.
‘Maintain an anti-racist mindset, which contextualises the anti-racist cause within history.
‘Think about the different ways you can be involved in the Black Lives cause. It is not just about watching the news, reading social media and posting supportive statements. To reduce the likelihood of empathy fatigue, it is important to find a variety of ways to engage in anti-racist culture.
‘This is a lifelong endeavour, not one just for the month of June.’
One characteristic of the many messages I have received from white friends and acquaintances over the last week, is a slight desperation. They want to know what they can do – right now – to instantly make things better, to instantly assuage their guilt. But this isn’t possible.
What is required is a permanent shift in mindset, attitude and behaviour. And that can’t happen overnight.
It’s going to feel uncomfortable, and it might feel that way for a long time. So it’s crucial for people to learn to sit with this feeling and press on in the long fight against racism, despite their discomfort.
None of this is easy. And there is no quick fix for racism.
In the first instance – stay angry, stay outraged, stay vocal. But strap in, because being anti-racist is a long-haul commitment.
Get a stand so you have both hands free to play with (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
Having sex is currently illegal with anyone who doesn’t live in the same household.
This makes intimacy with people we’re dating very difficult – but not impossible, as sex isn’t just physical.
And, thanks to technology, there are many ways to get freaky these days that don’t require any touching.
We are, of course, referring to video sex.
If you’ve never tried this before, it’s understandable that you might feel awkward at the idea of stripping down in front of a camera – let alone masturbating while someone watches you on a screen.
To help you along, here is our guide on how to have great video sex – from building up the tension to how to take it up a notch when you’re feeling more comfortable.
Build up the tension
Think of this as virtual foreplay.
Rather than jumping straight into a call, work on building up the anticipation by texting each other dirty notes days or hours before the video chat takes place.
You can talk about fantasies or what you’d like to see the other person doing on camera while you watch, or something else entirely – whatever turns you on.
‘Sending voice recordings to your lover can help you practice speaking about erotic moments,’ said Lady Ness, a sex educator and coach.
‘You can use this to help foreplay and to build up towards to video sex date.
‘There’s the bonus that you can delete and rerecord your stimulating and seductive messages until you feel comfortable enough to send it.’
Start with phone sex if it’s your first time
If the idea of video sex makes you want to hide under the covers, that’s OK. It’s an intimate situation, so it’s natural that you might feel exposed or vulnerable.
Don’t push yourself to go straight into it – start with a phone call.
Lady Ness said: ‘If you’re not ready for full-on video sex, phone sex can be a great way to make you feel comfortable.
‘Remember there’s no rules to what you say to your lover, staying in your comfort zone can help give you confidence, and help let the words flow.’
Never done this either? You’re in luck, we’ve written on a guide on phone sex, too.
Don’t forget to talk
Communicate before you embark on this new sexual adventure. Raise your fears and concerns with your partner.
If it helps, you can also decide on a safe word – just as you would in the bedroom – that stops the video chat completely, or simply agree that the other person is allowed to turn their video off and just use audio at any given point.
This way, if it all gets too much, you can take a visual break and then return to it when you feel ready.
As for talking during video sex, try your way. Some people like to moan and whisper sweet nothings, other prefer complete silence (though that could become a tad awkward) and others have full-blown conversations.
Set the tone
Before you start, create a nice, sexual environment for yourself at home.
Play your favourite tunes in the background (but make sure only one of you has music on during the chat, as it could be disorientating listening to two different tracks), light some candles and change the sheets.
Lady Ness said: ‘Having the right things that help relax and turn you on is important, but it’s also important to make sure you can be comfortable.
‘Swivel chairs, mess, and areas that make you feel cramped should be avoided if possible, as it can be difficult to relax in and move into pleasurable positions for teasing body language and even masturbation.
‘Wearing things that make you feel comfortable and sexy is key. If you’re planning on doing a strip tease on screen, making sure you can undo and remove your lingerie easily beforehand is important so you can go with the flow of the moment without any hiccups.’
Our top tip though? If you’re having video sex on your phone, get a stand for it, so you have both hands free to play with.
Try mutual masturbation
There’s something incredibly sexy about watching the person you fancy getting themselves off, while you do the same.
But if during the mutual masturbation, you feel that seeing yourself wank on screen becomes a bit much, you can always look away or close your eyes.
Just knowing your lover is on the other end of the phone is sometimes enough.
Go with the flow
The possibly most important thing about video sex is to not force it to be a sexy scenario.
If you’re on the video chat and you end up talking about the latest baking recipe you’ve tried or the workout you did that day, go with it.
Sometimes, breaking up a sexy call with non-sexy topics makes the participants relax and eventually, the dirty talk will follow.
Lady Ness said: ‘To relax into the flow of video sex, treat it like any other date night, and have a slow and sensual build-up.
‘Getting any daily chit-chat out the way can help reduce stress for both of you, but also means you can concentrate fully on the video sex without your mind being too distracted.’
Take it up a notch with sex toys and games
So, you’ve settled into video sex but want to try something new.
There are many ways to do this, including introducing sex toys, masturbating in front of a mirror while your partner watches or playing a sex game.
You can also invite a third person to join or take part in virtual sex parties together.
Kerry, Ondrej, Abel and the twins (Picture: TriangleNews)
When Kerry Stevens met Ondrej Simecko at the care home where they worked, he jokingly talked about her being a surrogate for him and his partner.
But just six months later, Kerry, who has three of her own children, made the offer for real and fell pregnant with their twins.
Dads-to-be Ondrej and Abel Lantos were excited and so grateful to Kerry for what she was doing.
But at 36 weeks, Kerry suffered internal bleeding when her placenta sheared away from the wall of her uterus just moments before a planned caesarean.
She was rushed into theatre for emergency surgery to deliver the baby boys after their oxygen supply was cut off and Kerry, 38, was left in agony.
She was pumped with blood transfusions to keep her alive, while the twins were born.
Luckily, Kerry and the twins William and Arthur recovered from the dramatic birth – and she says she has no regrets.
‘It was a total nightmare,’ Kerry said ‘One moment we were all in the hospital smiling and taking pictures together before the planned caesarean and then I started to get excruciating pains in my left side.
‘I was screaming in agony and knew something wasn’t right. The placenta sheared away from the wall of my womb, meaning the twins could have died.
‘I’d wanted to help my friends have a family but when doctors said they couldn’t find the babies’ heartbeats and I was bleeding internally everyone was panicking.
‘I’ve had five babies now and this labour was by far the worst. It was scary but it was worth everything to see my friends holding their gorgeous babies.’
Ondrej and Abel just before the surgery (Picture: TriangleNews)
Kerry had never thought of being a surrogate before meeting Ondrej, 31.
But he’d mentioned it on the very first day they worked together at a care home for autistic adults in Torbay, Devon, where Kerry was the deputy manager and he was a support worker.
Kerry said: ‘At the time I laughed it off because I didn’t realise how serious he was, but over time we became close friends and I found out how much he and his fiance Abel wanted to have a baby.
‘They’d looked into surrogacy in America but it was too expensive and then adoption. But there was always a problem and they began despairing of ever being dads.
‘We’d celebrate birthdays and go out for coffee on weekends and became really good friends.
‘I could see how desperate they were to have a family and it played on my mind that I could help them have the baby they so badly wanted.’
Six months after they met, Kerry mentioned the idea to her husband, gas engineer Gary, 46, and their children Elliott 18, Taylor, 17, Honey-Louise, 13.
‘They all thought it was an amazing idea,’ Kerry, of Torbay says. ‘I asked my mum and sisters what they thought too and everyone understood and said they’d support me. I wanted to give my friends something they struggled to have for many years.’
In January 2018, she made the offer to Ondrej be their surrogate.
She said: ‘He couldn’t believe it. He was really emotional and crying down the phone asking me if I was serious and sure about my decision. I’d never been more sure of anything.’
Over dinner, the two couples discussed the terms of the surrogacy which would be put in a binding legal agreement. Fees for surrogacy, beyond basic expenses for things like travel and maternity clothes, are illegal in the UK so Kerry was not paid.
They agreed Ondrej’s cousin Katalin’s eggs would be fertilised by Abel’s sperm and an embryo would be implanted in Kerry.
She was artificially inseminated on 14 November 2018 at the IVF treatment clinic, The Centre for Reproduction & Gynaecology Wales, just outside of Cardiff.
‘I knew I was pregnant before I took the test as I started feeling really sick,’ she said.
‘I was so excited when the test was positive, I took a picture and sent it to the couple who were visiting family in America.
‘They couldn’t believe it and couldn’t wait to come back home.’
She went for her five-week scan at the clinic with Abel, 39, and was told that she was expecting twins.
‘Everyone was shocked,’ says Kerry. ‘They’d been so desperate and waited for so long to have one baby – and then two come along! They couldn’t believe their luck.
‘Abel went white and nearly collapsed – he had to be fussed over and sat down with a glass of water while I was left with a probe inside me!’
The fertilised egg has split, which had resulted in monochorionic twins – identical twins that share a single placenta.
Apart from suffering from severe sickness, Kerry’s pregnancy went smoothly and on 9 July 2019 went to Torbay Hospital in South Devon for her C-Section which was planned for 2pm.
Kerry was rushed into surgery (Picture: TriangleNews)
But while everyone was taking pictures, Kerry started to feel sharp pains in her side and realised that something was wrong.
‘About a week before the birth I’d started to suffer from really bad back and side pain,’ she said.
‘I assumed that I’d pulled a muscle trying to roll over in bed, as it often took me three of four attempts to change sides.
‘Looking back now we know it was the start of the placenta starting to shear away from the wall of my uterus. Luckily, I was in the hospital when it came away completely.
‘Everyone was really panicked,’ added Kerry. ‘In theatre Abel and Ondrej were standing at the back in their scrubs looking terrified.
‘I don’t remember much because I had an epidural soon after I started screaming in pain, but everyone was worried because the babies had stopped receiving oxygen and I’d started bleeding internally.’
Minutes later William Leo and Arthur Leo Lantos were born at exactly the same time, weighing 4lb 9 and 5lb 6.
Kerry added: ‘It’s a terrifying thought that we could have lost them. Once the surgeon had got the babies out and he saw the mess inside me, that’s when he realised what had happened and told us how lucky we had all been to have survived.
‘We’re all incredibly lucky to be here. I was worried about the babies surviving but actually I might not have either.’
Ondrej, Abel, Kerry and the twins (Picture: TriangleNews)
Kerry asked to be taken to a post-surgery ward rather than a maternity ward after birth, while the babies stayed with their dads.
‘I didn’t feel any maternal instincts after I’d given birth but I was worried about that changing,’ said Kerry.
‘I didn’t want to be surrounded by mothers and their babies so asked to be taken to the post-surgery ward instead.’
The twins were well enough to go home the next day but Kerry had to stay in hospital for three days because her bladder and bowel had been so badly affected by the operation.
Before taking the twins home, Abel and Ondjre took them to see Kerry.
After three days in hospital Kerry returned home and was looked after by her family.
‘Even when I returned home I continued to bleed heavily and Garry had to help me move around,’ she explained.
‘I hadn’t expected to be left so ill, but I was still glad I’d gone ahead with everything. It was a small sacrifice to make.’
When they were just over a month old, Kerry and her family went to meet the twins properly for the first time.
‘It was just like holding friend’s babies,’ she said. ‘There were no maternal urges or instincts.
‘Afterwards friends asked me how I could give the twins up. But they were never biologically my children.
‘I was just doing it to help friends who couldn’t have children themselves and needed someone to help them.’
Kerry has played an active role in the twin’s lives and tries to see them once a month as the couple lives close to them in South Devon.
Ondrej said: ‘We’d gone down so many roads trying to adopt and find a surrogate without it coming to anything. We were really disheartened. So when Kerry said she would carry our baby for us we were ecstatic.
‘And finding out she was expecting twins was unbelievable – she gave us our two little miracles.”
Abel, a payroll administrator, said: ‘What Kerry did was completely selfless. She put herself at risk for us when she had a husband and three of her own children to look after. Kerry will always be our hero.’
A four-year-old Cockapoo has made a name for herself on Instagram with her professional modelling shots.
Marley, from Liverpool, regularly poses in adverts for big brands such as Disney, Barbour, Zoopla, and Primark.
The adorable pooch even has her own Instagram account – created by 26-year-old owner Katie Ramsden – which boasts more than 50,000 followers.
Katie says: ‘She loves the attention and she’s a natural in front of the camera.
‘I’m a photographer by trade so setting Marley up an Instagram was a natural next step as soon as I got her.’
Such as photogenic face (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
In her signature yellow coat (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
She’s modelled for all kinds of brands (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
Just like human social media influencers, Marley is flooded with free gifts from brands, who ask to be featured on her Instagram.
However, owner Katie explains that – despite her fame – Marley has a pretty normal lifestyle. Rather than overspending on expensive treats and clothes, Katie opts for regular food and clothing from supermarkets.
Perks of the job (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
She gets dressed up in all kinds of outfits (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
Simply doing her job (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
Marley’s modelling career started when Katie took pictures of her in silly outfits, such as swimming goggles and arm bands.
These light-hearted photos soon caught the attention of fans and brands.
Katie adds: ‘It quickly changed from just a hobby into a full time job. Before we knew it, Marley had been signed up to a modelling agency called Urban Paws.
‘Through them, she has done photoshoots for big brands such as Ford, Barbour and Daniel Wellington.
‘Her favourite outfit is a yellow raincoat. We have a matching set so the pair of us go on our daily walks matching on a rainy day.’
The yellow coat is Marley’s favourite (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
Katie and Marley in their hometown of Liverpool (Credits: Katie Ramsden / SWNS.COM)
Marley’s high-profile lifestyle means that her and Katie often get invited to events in London. Last year, the pair attended a Disney premiere.
Katie says: ‘She was recognised as she walked down the carpet, and even though there was a lot going on she took it all in her stride.’
Recently, Marley welcomed a new sister to the family – one-year-old Cockapoo Mabel.
Katie says the pair have a lovely bond and Mabel is also a natural in front of the camera.
She adds: ‘Even though they get some nice freebies and sponsorships, they certainly aren’t spoiled pups. They like a good cuddle and a long walk more than any product.’
This teen was taught a list of rules by his mum (Picture: Cameron Welch/TikTok/ @skoodupcam)
The term ‘shopping while Black’ was coined to show the phenomena of Black people being unfairly scrutinised while out in public spaces.
Black people have felt that they had to adhere to a set of unwritten rules in order to not draw attention to themselves – and these rules get passed down through generations.
And the rules go beyond just shopping.
Teenager Cameron Welch is one Black teenager who was taught the instructions at a young age.
The 18-year-old from Houston, Texas, shared the rules he has been taught by his mother, which she hopes will make him safer.
In a viral TikTok that has been viewed millions of times and amassed three million likes, Cameron lists all the things that my seem mundane to everybody else but could pose potential threats to a Black person’s life.
Some of the rules are: ‘Don’t put your hoody on’, ‘don’t touch anything you’re not buying’, ‘never leave the store without a receipt,’ and ‘don’t stare at a caucasian woman’.
All the rules listed above and more, are often part of a different kind of conversation Black parents have with their children that other parents don’t have to have.
‘The talk’ mentions how to be safe in interactions with the police, in shops, when confronted by a hostile person.
The rules, part of ‘the talk’ given to Black kids was shared on TikTok (Picture: Cameron Welch/TikTok/ @skoodupcam)
Fred Robinson, a minister and father of three children, says he also had the talk with his parents and now with his children.
But he wants to see a change that puts the onus on institutions to do better, rather than for Black people to have to adjust their behaviour.
He told CNN: ‘It puts the focus on us rather than where it should be — on racism in the police department and the way Black people are targeted.
‘We are Americans and we ought to have a right to have a bad day, to question a police officer or to question an order that doesn’t seem right.’
His video was liked three million times(Picture: Cameron Welch/TikTok/ @skoodupcam)
A technical director – who has spent more than 10 years managing scenery construction at regional theatres in the U.S. – has built an incredible treehouse that’s available to rent on Airbnb.
Located 30 minutes away from Atlanta, the Owl in the Oak Treehouse measures 120 square feet and has a 50 square foot sleeping loft.
Kyle Longwell was inspired to create his own ‘modern’ treehouse after seeing an impressive one built by TV host Pete Nelson.
Kyle tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I was amazed at the idea of a space that was designed for adults but built in the trees, such a wonderful nod to childhood and the notion that we can remain whimsical as adults.
‘I immediately picked up a copy of his [Pete’s] book “New Treehouses of the World” and that was that. I knew that I’d be building my own treehouses someday.’
Kyle built everything himself (Picture: Airbnb)
The impressive walkway leading to the treehouse (Picture: Airbnb)
The first third of the project took Kyle around six months to complete. But after losing his job in April, due to coronavirus, Kyle worked full-time on the treehouse and managed to finish the rest in just two months.
He says: ‘The hardest part was carrying all the materials back to the build site.
‘My driveway, where all the lumber was delivered, is about 150 yards from the site, with steep hills to descend and climb on the way.
‘Other than the two large beams that form the base of the treehouse platform, I carried every piece of the treehouse to the site myself.’
The cosy cabin (Picture: Airbnb)
The kitchen space (Picture: Airbnb)
The sleeping loft (Picture: Airbnb)
The treehouse – which is completely off-grid in Duluth, Georgia – features a kitchenette, a bathroom with a composting toilet, a living area with a sofa bed and a sleeping loft with a cosy Queen-size bed.
Guests can access the treehouse by a spiral staircase and a suspension bridge – both built by Kyle.
There’s also a sitting area on the large wraparound deck, with views of the forest floor 30-feet below.
The treehouse’s name is a nod to the barred owls which live in the surrounding area.
The decking space (Picture: Airbnb)
While Kyle doesn’t have any projects in the pipeline at the moment, he does have ambitious plans for the future.
He adds: ‘I’d love to open and operate a treehouse resort in the North Georgia mountains someday, but that’s likely years off.
‘I’ve always had a passion for building complicated, artistic, one-of-a-kind things, and I’m hoping that treehouses can continue to fill that need.’
Scott in the car park with Isabella, and after her dramatic birth (Picture: SWNS)
When mum-to-be Lara Ashton started having cramps she rushed to hospital with her mum and partner.
But on the way there, the 28-year-old’s waters broke as her mum Karen drove round a roundabout and they pulled over into the car park of a Leybourne Lakes Country Park in Kent.
Just five minutes later, at 5:15 pm last Friday, baby Isabella was born, weighing 7lb 3oz, on the back seat with the help of Lara’s partner Scott, 26, and a mystery samaritan.
The woman had been in the park when she saw the commotion and came to help.
She helped keep everyone calm and spoke to emergency services but after they headed off to hospital, she left.
Now, they want to track her down to say thank you for looking after them.
Mum-of-three, Lara said: ‘Mum pulled into the car park, shot out of the car, took the car seat out and got a towel on the back seat.
‘I got in and my partner called the emergency services.’
Scott added: ‘I was on the phone to the ambulance service – I turned around and the baby’s head was coming.’
Scott Hall with baby Isabella at Leybourne Lakes Country Park car park where she was born (Picture: Lara Ashton/SWNS.COM)
Speaking about the mystery stranger who helped, Lara, a nursery assistant of Snodland, Kent, added: ‘We believe she was a biology scientist, but some parts are a bit of a blur.
‘She was reassuring and calm, talking to me to keep my mind busy.
‘She spoke to the emergency services over the phone to explain what was happening and followed their instructions to check me and Isabella over.’
Scott, baby Isabella and Lara (Picture: Lara Ashton/SWNS.COM)
Isabella was born in just five minutes, and although Lara was expecting her third baby to be faster than previous labours, she never thought it would happen so fast and outside hospital.
Lara said: ‘With my eldest, the labour lasted seven hours and with my second child, around five hours.
‘It wasn’t the comfiest experience, and it also started to rain so we had to wrap her up warm with what we had. Isabella and I ended up in a bundle of towels and blankets.’
Isabella is now doing well (Picture: Lara Ashton/SWNS.COM)
Karen, a 62-year-old former headteacher, was proud to have been able to deliver her daughter’s baby.
She added: ‘It’s not an experience every Grandma gets. She was amazing. I just went with the flow, as it was all I could do. I didn’t panic as I knew that wouldn’t help and Isabella had to come first.’
Lara said the birth was particularly special because her dad had visited the lakes just before passing away in 2016.
Baby Isabella (Picture: Lara Ashton/SWNS.COM)
She added: ‘He liked walking and exploring there. I have ruined his old towel though, which happened to be with us too.’
When the ambulance crew arrived, they allowed Scott to cut the cord before they took the mother and baby to Maidstone Hospital, Kent, where staff were awaiting their arrival.
Lara said: ‘Maidstone birth centre, the ambulance crew and this mystery lady were all very helpful and we cannot be thankful enough for their help.’
The grateful couple are now trying to track down the mystery helper, who has not been seen or heard from since.
Lara said: ‘We haven’t found her yet. We have no idea if she was local or not. It was all so quick so we didn’t get the opportunity to thank her enough.’
Scott, a chef, added: ‘We would like to track this lady down to say a massive thank you and give her a little something to show our appreciation.’
Matt Haig said he found it ‘uncomfy’ to publicly talk about money (Pictures: Rex)
Authors are sharing how much they were paid to write their books to highlight the shocking racial inequalities in earnings.
Using the hashtag #PublishingPaidMe, writers are divulging how much they were paid as an advance – an up front payment for their books – and the difference between white writers and Black and ethnic minority writers is stark.
The trend was started by black fantasy author LL McKinney and was subsequently picked up by well-known British writers including Matt Haig, Nikesh Shukla and Malorie Blackman.
That was the trend across the board. Black and minority ethnic writers expressing shock and disappointment at the payments white writers have received, and revealing that they had been paid less – even for incredibly successful books and franchises.
The eye-opening conversation on social media has led many to say that more needs to be done to address inequality in the world of publishing, and to show minority authors that their voices are valued.
Author of YA novel ‘Oh My Gods’, Alexandra Sheppard, told Metro.co.uk that inequality in publishing is hardly news, but seeing the disparity laid bare still shocked her.
‘What was especially upsetting was seeing the disparity between award-winning Black women authors like N.K. Jemison, Roxane Gay and Jesmyn Ward, compared to white debut authors,’ she explains.
Malorie Blackman’s beloved Noughts and Crosses series because a BBC drama earlier this year (Picture: Getty)
‘If established, best-selling Black authors are struggling to persuade publishers to pay them fairly, what hope do the rest of us have?’
Alexandra is now calling for more authors – particularly white, male writers in the UK – to share what they have been paid, in order to create truly accurate comparisons.
‘Uncomfortable though it may be, sharing this information is a vital step toward demanding equity,’ she adds.
‘If we’re serious about dismantling racism in publishing, some people will have to get uncomfortable.’
Novelist Sareeta Domingo says the What the ‘PublishingPaidMe’ hashtag highlights the ‘lack of commitment’ that some traditional publishers are putting into the careers of Black writers.
‘The amount offered in an advance, or the number of books that an author is signed up for, is in direct correlation to the publisher’s intentions for that author,’ Sareeta tells Metro.co.uk.
‘If they are paid a low advance, that is a reflection of how well the publisher expects the book to do.
‘There is a strong likelihood the book won’t garner a large marketing and publicity budget from the publisher if they’ve not invested heavily in it. However, without that sales, marketing and publicity support, it is hard for a Black authors’ work to be promoted or widely known.’
Sareeta says it becomes a vicious cycle, with Black writers struggling to get the support and belief required to build a successful career as an author.
‘What is particularly hurtful therefore, as a Black British writer, is to see the scale of the advances offered to our white counterparts,’ she says. ‘But also, the multiple chances that they are often afforded, sometimes even after a disappointing performance of previous books.
‘We are simply not allowed to fail in the same way — and not given the same tools to succeed. It’s time that this changed to allow for a fairer crack at the whip for Black British authors.’
A plea to POCs embarking on a writing career – PLEASE don’t let #PublishingPaidMe put you off being an author and/or illustrator if that’s the career you’re currently pursuing. Your voice, your work, your stories matter. The situation will improve. It has to.
— Aunty Malorie Blackman (@malorieblackman) June 7, 2020
The figures are no surprise when you consider the lack of diversity in the industry. A survey last year found that only around 11% of the publishing workforce identified as BAME across the UK.
Natalie Carter, co-founder of the Black Girls Book Club believes drastic action is necessary.
‘The hashtag really exposed what many of us in our community knew but were unable to speak about publicly,’ Natalie tells Metro.co.uk.
‘We know our stories are ignored. We know that our voices aren’t valued. I just don’t think we knew quite to what level.
‘Black authors are taking £10k or less advances because they are told that they aren’t very well known and that’s it’s a “good deal”. We are made to feel like we should be appreciative because apparently there is no money in publishing. But why does that magic money tree seem to appear for white authors?
‘How on earth does a debut author with no proven track record get often a million dollar deal plus second, third and fourth bites of the apple when they don’t succeed? Then someone like Roxane Gay or NK Jemisin is offered a pittance in comparison?’
Natalie believes that changes in publishing need to go way beyond advances. She wants to see real value given to projects by Black writers.
‘That means investment in good marketing around publication and beyond,’ she explains. ‘Support from PR and sales teams. The infrastructure has to be there to support Black authors.
‘It isn’t good enough to pay small advances, neglect the author during the process, limit the amount of marketing and PR support received, or rely heavily on literary influencers and tastemakers to publicise and amplify the work.
‘It’s absolutely heartbreaking for us as Black Girls Book Club. As one of the premier event professionals and PR consultants focusing on Black writers in the UK, we are told that some of our most important voices and shining stars have not been provided with a budget to amplify their work.
‘We have had to take it upon ourselves to self-fund and invest in events to celebrate them because if we don’t, no one else will.’
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