When we think of safe words we think of sex.
They let your partner know that they need to stop what they’re doing, and have a check-in.
But it turns out that safe words aren’t just used as a sexual safety blanket – they can be implemented in your wider relationship too.
TikToker Sarah Baus, 27, from South Carolina, explained how safe words stop unnecessary arguments in her marriage.
Sarah, who is married to the childhood sweetheart she met 20 years ago, revealed that ‘penguin’ gets them out of some tricky situations, saying it ‘allows [her and her partner] to live harmoniously together’.
Her simple hack isn’t just reserved for romantic partnerships either, you can use it for platonic or familial relationships too.
She explains on TikTok: ‘It’s something that I developed in college with the very first person that I ever shared a room with… and a bathroom with… Our safe word which was “snowman”.’
But what exactly is it for and how should it be used?
‘It’s what you say before you have to give critical and kind feedback that will allow you to live in [peacefully] together,’ she adds.
‘The point is for you to bring down defences before you [say what you need to say].’
You start your critique by saying, in Sarah’s case: ‘Hey. Penguin.’
She explains this implies: ‘I’m about to tell you something that if I didn’t tell you, it’s going to irk me and that is going to cause a rift.
‘I’m telling you this feedback because I love you, I adore you, I adore living with you and I adore the relationship we have now and I don’t want small little things to get in the way.’
Then you follow your safe word by mentioning what has been bothering you.
Sarah gives this example: ‘Hey. Penguin. Your clothing pile on your side of the bed seems to be growing quite a bit and I’d love if that wasn’t a thing.’
Obviously, you need to discuss this with your partner before hand so they know what on earth you’re talking about, and you can pick a safe word that is personal to you.
And relationship therapist Nicola Foster agrees this is a ‘brilliant way to diffuse tension and break repetitive conflict patterns’.
She tells Metro: ‘Many couples have an argument they return to again and again, but once they recognise it as futile and agree to press pause, a code word can help.’
Even if you’re already in a disagreement, Nicola explains that a certain word or phrase can help get you back on track – as long as it’s recognised between the two of you.
‘For example, saying something like, “We’re doing the blame game again,” allows both partners to step out of the cycle,’ Nicola adds. ‘I know couples who use “ouch” to let each other know if a raw nerve has been touched.
‘What’s crucial is the energy behind it—speaking with the intention of remembering you live this person, or even taking a step back to remind yourself why you care for this person.’
If you don’t like the idea of using a code word, Nicola also suggests a hug or a hand squeeze to ‘interrupt the conflict before it spirals’.
She adds: ‘It’s about making a conscious choice: do you want to descend into a downward spiral, or move on to something more productive together?’
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